600 THINGS ABOUT GRIFFEY!

By Bandwagon Burt
Wind Sock

I love Ken Griffey, Jr., and last night he hit home run No. 600!! I know people think it's an arbitrary number, but people also think that Michael Jordan's six championships is also an arbitrary number. GRIFFEY IS THE JORDAN of baseball.

To honor the 600 homers that Griffey has parked, I give you my list of SIX-HUNDRED THINGS that make me think of Ken Griffey, Jr.!

1. home runs
2. the Topps rookie card that I lost when I was in high school
3. Norm Charlton
4. Left-handedness
5. Ken Griffey, Sr. and PLAYING IN THE SAME OUTFIELD with his son.
6. Knee pain
7. Future Hall of Famer Barry Larkin
8. Sid Bream sliding into home plate on Francisco Cabrera's RBI single
9. HOME RUN DERBY, FOLKS
10. Barry Bonds
11. Super Nintendo
12. The Kid
13. In 1988, 277 aspirin and a Providence hospital
14. My bathroom tile, fusing Mariners and Reds colors in a cornucopia of awesome.
15. Willie Mays
16. Wheaties cereal and 2% milk.
17. Additional knee pain
18. The warehouse at Camden Yards
19. Scoring from first on a double
20. gloves dipped in gold
21. The Space Needle (no NOT RYAN ANDERSON, HAHAA).
22. Mike Cameron, Brett Tomko and Antonio Perez
23. Back Home Again in Cincinnati, a variation on some song about another state.
24. the disabled list
25. Father's Day! My kids better get me something electronic this year, or I am going to go POSTAL. The Lord of the Rings DVDs they got me last year were LAME. Just because they're six and eight doesn't mean they can't figure out what daddy wants for Father's Day.
26. Comeback Player of the Year
27. Adam Dunn's hilarious outfield play
28. Bilbo Baggins
29. Reggie Jackson, MR. OCTOBER
30. Pleurisy
31. Ryan Freel and his imaginary friends
32. Jay Buhner's business goatee
33. Randy Johnson's MASTERFUL MULLET
34. A groin strain, suffered on my walk to the supermarket last fall.
35. The television show "Scrubs"
36. The Simpsons. DON'T HAVE A COW, MAN
37. OH MY GOD, I'M ONLY ON NO. 37
38. Will Smith and the Fresh Prince of Bel Air
39. Commissioner Bud Selig
40. The number 30. Also, the number 3.
41. Tomatoes filled with poisons
42. Knee pain
43. Little Big League and Angels in the Outfield
44. SUMMER CATCH WITH FREDDIE PRINZE, JR.
45. Other people named Jr. Like Dale Earnhardt, Roy Jones and ROBERT DOWNEY IRON MAN.
46. The tearing down of the Berlin Wall
47. the National Anthem
48-95. The members of the 1997 Seattle Mariners baseball team, especially Paul Sorrento and Paul Spoljeric. MIKE BLOWERS!
96. A smooth swing from the left side of the plate
97. My kitty, Buttons
98. Freshly cut grass by my irritating neighbor
99. Deadspin
100. HOME RUNS

Wow, that's a lot of stuff already, so I think I'll just multiply all those by six and you have SIX-HUNDRED. I LOVE KEN GRIFFEY, JR.

King of nothing!

By Bandwagon Burt
Wind Sock

Nike (SWOOSH!) says I am a WITNESS, but if I was called to testify, the prosecution would be very disappointed, cuz I ain't seen NOTHING from LeBron James!

I've got my right hand on the Bible and I solemnly swear that Mr. French-For-The-Bron has not made a single shot since this round of the playoffs began! OBJECTION! No, better yet, REJECTION -- as in the Cleveland playoff chances! Have you EVER SEEN LEBRON SO BAD? He's pleading NO CONTEST.

Someone tell the people to stop smoking at the Boston Garden! It's so hazy!

SMACK THAT GAVEL, JUDGE, and declare your verdict: LeBron is past his prime! That's right, it's over. The guy is just too old now, I mean LOOK AT HIM, HE'S FORTY and has all that chest hair and it's somebody else's time now. THIS IS MY TESTIMONY. I SWEAR TO TELL THE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH.

I tell you what I am a WITNESS for -- CHRISTOPHER PAUL! He's amazing! When does he get a multi-gajillion dollar Nike contract and a bunch of crazy shoes? He's the GREATEST POINT GUARD EVER, according to some former player on ESPN, and he's got the Spurs on the ropes in the West. And who cares about the Eastern Conference anyway? As they say in court, the East is IMMATERIAL EVIDENCE -- cannot be admitted into court! It's all about the WILD WILD WESTERN.

King James can't be king of the court (HAHA, DOUBLE MEANING) if Paul is in session. He would be MVP if not for Kobe-Won-Kinobe (STAR WARS REFERENCE! -- Kobe has the FORCE!), and LeBron is just some guy on some irrelevant team. I PLEAD THE FIFTH! I MOVE FOR RECESS. v

Give away the hardware now!!

By Bandwagon Burt
Wind Sock

WHAT AN EXCITING SEASON OF BASEBALL. There have been surprisingly bad seasons (DETROIT ROCK CITY), surprisingly good ones (The BIRDS are back in BALTIMORE) and some amazing feats (Some guy putting a jersey in Yankee Stadium! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? Seriously, if Burt ran the world, that would be grounds for imprisonment. I know murderers and rapists are really bad people, but that’s someone who is SERIOUSLY demented).

Now that 12 games or so are in the books, it’s time for the year-end awards!

NATIONAL LEAGUE

MVP: Pat Burrell, Philadelphia. PAT THE BAT, PAT THE BAT, PAT THE BAT. The former No. 1 pick is FINALLY living up to his billing with four homers, four doubles, 13 RBIs and 12 walks in 39 at-bats, good for a .359 average and .528 on-base percentage. YOU CAN’T STOP PAT BURRELL, YOU CAN ONLY HOPE HE TAPERS OFF. He won’t. Also, is Justin Upton the next Albert Pujols? Yes!

Cy Young: Tie (Jake Peavy, San Diego; Ben Sheets, Milwaukee; Brandon Webb, Arizona; Cole Hamels, Phladelphia). I CAN’T CHOOSE. They all have really low ERAs, they all have lots of strikeouts, and they even have a low WHIP, which should please the hippies of the world. More importantly, they each have two or three wins. Cole Hamels has a loss though, so he’s probably disqualified.

Rookie of the Year: Johnny Cueto, Cincinnati. HELLO, 18 strikeouts in two starts before he gave up a walk. The next Juan Marichel, book it!

Manager of the Year: Tony LaRussa, St. Louis. Everyone thought the Cardinals would be super, super bad, and all they’ve done is DOMINATED THE LEAGUE. They’re going to win 113 games this year, and it’s all because of Tony “.093” LaRussa! A toast to the Cards!

AMERICAN LEAGUE

MVP: Joe Crede, Chicago. FOUR home runs and FIFTEEN RBIs, all while having the third largest OPS in the league. I don’t really know what OPS means, but AJ Pierzynski is No. 2, and he’s AWESOME, so it must be a good stat. I think they tried to fire him before the season, but Joe came back bigger and better and stronger to prove all the haters wrong. NOBODY LIKES A HATER.

Cy Young: Brian Bannister, Kansas City. IS IT EVEN A CONTEST? He’s 3-0 with an 0.86 ERA, and last time he pitched, he was forced to wear POWDER BLUE. That’s seriously overcoming obstacles to succeed. Most people don’t even try when they get to KC – they just go there for the BBQ and the opportunity to play where nobody cares about baseball.

Rookie of the Year: David Murphy, Texas. Who is this guy? I BET IT’S DALE MURPHY’S SON. I loved Dale Murphy growing up. He was ambidextrous! Kind of. Also, he’s in the Hall of Fame, I think!

Manager of the Year: The Orioles guy. The Orioles are awesome, and they don’t even need Erik Bedard and his achy breakiness to get there. Also, Jay Gibbons had his suspension thrown out, which will really help them down the stretch!

I am a genius!!!

By Bandwagon Burt
Wind Sock

I PICKED ALL FOUR FINAL FOUR TEAMS CORRECTLY.

After years of selecting only one seeds to reach the Final Four, I finally got them all, which puts me in FIRST PLACE in the annual office league. EAT IT, DAWN MINKOWSKI FROM ACCOUNTING. I hate that bitch. Every year, she finds a way to win.

But this year is 2008: The Year of the Burt. Upsets are great if you like unpredictable stuff, but in the end, people gravitate toward what they know, like their hometown or gateway drugs. And NORTH CAROLINA, KANSAS, UCLA and MEMPHIS. Hello, Final Four! This is the first time in history that all four No. 1 seeds have made it at the same time! The odds of that happening are ASTRONOMICAL -- something like 1 in 8.

But I was unable to choose winners in the semifinals because they're ALL SO GOOD. So I won't be getting any points going forward. That gives a slight edge to my co-workers, but I'll still behave as if I won the whole thing, whether or not I do. The celebration will include several outbursts of "La Cucaracha" and I'll also be wearing NEON GREEN on championship Monday.

FINAL FOUR ANALYSIS:

1. North Carolina. Hansbrough!

2. Kansas. Remember when they had Jacque Vaughn? Loved him.

3. UCLA. KEVIN LOVE

4. Memphis. Chris Douglas-Roberts-Derek-Rose. Haha, did you see how I hyphenated them together? That's awesome! He would be the best player in the tourney, if those two were hyphenated into one super player.

Don't count out Texas, though.

Bracket-urology

The West

By Bandwagon Burt
Wind Sock



How will the West be won in 2008, haha?! There are SO many good teams in this portion of the NCAA Tournament, it HAS to be considered the toughest region in the tournament, besides the East and maybe the South. Hello, UCLA – is there a LOVE DOCTOR in the house? – is easily the favorite to win the whole thing, but how can you ever discount the greatest college sports franchise of all time, Duke? And look out for Professor X and Connect-I-Cut in the Sweet 16.

The way I see it, there are only a few teams who could win the regional: the ones I’ve already mentioned, plus BYU, Drake, Purdue, West Virginia, Arizona, Texas A&M or Belmont. Between Duke, Drake, BYU and Purdue, there are probably more white people in this bracket than any other, which means GREAT DEFENSE and lots of 3-point shooting. I love the DUKIES, who will be the second-seed, and think they could be the team to beat, unless they get upset by West Virginia, Xavier, Purdue or Connecticut.

UCLA, of course, has the LOVE DOCTOR, along with lots of other guys that are really good. Kevin Love has carried his team all year, and even though they’ve played in a lot of close games, there’s no substitute for a PAC-10 TITLE. Plus, they’ve been in the Final Four the last two years, which means they’re really experienced, even though their best player is a freshman. So, they’ll probably win the bracket.

But Duke is really good, and XAVIER! Anytime you have a school named after one of the best X-Men in history, you know they’re going to do well. They have mind control! More importantly, they have David West, who is a beast for the New Orleans Hornets.

I TOTALLY FORGOT BAYLOR WAS IN THIS BRACKET. Forget everything I just said, UPSET CITY BABY. I like Baylor to get to the Elite Eight and lose to either UCLA or Western Kentucky. Can you imagine if Drake played Duke in the bracket? THOSE NAMES ARE TOTALLY SIMILAR, and they both wear blue in the jerseys. I would be so confused which team was which. I guess the difference is that one team would have COACH K GENIUS MASTERMIND calling the plays. Drake’s probably not going to get that far though, unless they shock the world and beat Connecticut.

The South

By Dakota Brezinski
Seven-year-old



Austin Peay! It sounds like pee! Peay Peay pee pee.

Silly Austin, he should change his name so people don’t always say mean things, like “Austin, do you have to Peay, because the potty is over there!” Maybe it won’t matter because Texas will beat them in the first round of the South region. Texas is still mad that Kevin Durant went to the NBA, and they are going to teach him a lesson. Poor Austin Peay.

Tanner also thinks it’s funny to say “Oral Roberts” all the time, but I don’t get why. I don’t think it’s funny to make fun of a man who loves Jesus so much. What if Jesus sends lightning down to kill Tanner? My favorite part about Oral Roberts is that their eagle likes to beat people up. I think they will beat Pittsburgh, because the eagle will kick the hurt Pittsburgh players like Levance Fields.

I am also cheering for Temple and St. Mary’s, because they also remind me of Jesus. Mary was Jesus’ mommy, and she bought him gifts like gold and Frankenstein. I think Frankenstein is scary, but not Jesus. He was not afraid and said, “ I will now make a bunch of loaves of bread and wine.” I can’t drink wine yet, but someday, I will sneak into daddy’s liquor drawer and try some.

I don’t really know much else about basketball. I like Tigers (rahr!), and Memphis has some, so they’ll probably win the whole thing. Tanner says only smart people play for Cornell and Stanford, so they will probably do a lot of thinking when they play against each other, and talk about math and science and then hit a couple baskets. I hate math and science, but do you know what I love? DUCKIES. So I’m cheering for Oregon, too.

The East

Marv Blackstone
Editor-in-chief


That Bruce Pearl is a crazy sonofabitch. Wearing orange, sweating a lot, hugging Erin Andrews. I'm sure you all saw that recently on Deadspin or something. You didn't see it here.

I used to cover Bruce as a coach back when he was at Southern Indiana University. I had taken a job a small Evansville weekly after being fired from the Boston Globe -- I siphoned gas out of my editor's car when I was short on cash -- and got to know him pretty well. I have a story about me, Bruce and three transgender Vietnamese midgets that I could tell, but I won't.

OK, fine. I will. One night, Bruce and I decided to an interview at the local Asian cuisine dinery. I always got the fried rice. Bruce always got the fried rice. He would sometimes tell them he wanted the "flied lice" and they would laugh a lot, and I would laugh a lot, and so would Bruce.

That night, we were talking about his team's postseason chances when into the restaurant wandered these three Vietnamese midgets. As usual, I was doing the interview with a fair amount of Scopolamine in my system, and things were foggy. The night was foggy. The midgets were short.

I got up to go to the bathroom, because I had had two burritos before coming to the Asian Cuisine place. I was in there for about 30 minutes or so. When I came back out, chaos reigned. Bruce was naked and sweaty, and rolling around on the floor, which was covered in a six-inch layer of shrimp flied lice. Two of the midgets were naked, and the other was smoking a cigarette while standing on stilts, near the corner of the restaurant. There were two ducks gallivanting about near the service counter. The guy on stilts was talking to the shopkeeper about the skyrocketing price of fennel. As Bruce hoisted one midget high into the air, he paused, then dropped the poor little fella. The midget hit the floor, hard.

Bruce stood back and observed the three midgets, the shopkeeper and myself.

"My GOD!" he exclaimed. "Look at you! You're in a 1-2-1-1 formation! That might actually work! There's no way I can get through this!"

Still naked, he ran across the rice-covered floor and outside. He hopped in his car, and sped away. And that, my friends, is how Bruce created his infamous full-court press scheme.

That sort of moxie and innovation is what I like in a coach. That's why Tennessee is my pick to win the East Region. Book it, hombres.

The Midwest

By Dr. Charles P. Ipswich IV
University Professor


Oh, you silly Americans and your round-ball. You exclaim that March is your time for madness, implementing the alliterative name because you feel it captures some sort of idealistic passion for sporting. I must tell you that your version of madness is inconsequential; for true madness, you should consult Thomas Lovell Beddoes, who became fixated upon death in his writings, and eventually killed himself.

That, you wankers, is madness.

Alas, I am here, so I may as well tell you what to expect from the Midwest Region of you bracket.

First, do not pick Kansas to win anything. Coach Bill Self is the modern-day equivalent of King Harold II, who seemed promising but was then destroyed during the Battle of Hastings. You may not understand this analogy, but it because you do not have tenure on the faculty staff of a major Ivy League institution.

Mmm, yes, diamond.

My teams to watch are Georgetown, Vanderbilt and USC. Georgetown has a lovely History Department, and a beautiful colonial campus where one can spend hours losing himself in the library, whether you want to study things ranging from John Burgoyne to Isabel of Gloucester.

Vanderbilt, meanwhile, is represented by a Commodore, which, as you know, is equivalent to Brigadier in the British Army. This demonstrates a passion going beyond most other teams in your round-ball gaming tourney. Yes, you cannot go wrong by employing the quiet strength of a Commodore, especially in his dazzling uniform.

USC has OJ fucking Mayo. Watch out.

Randy Moss is a cancer

By Bandwagon Burt
Wind Sock

You know what, SCREW Randy Moss!

We didn't need him anyway on the Patriots. All this talk about him going to another team, talking to Brett Favre and Daunte Culpepper and anyone who will listen? That's garbage! Let him go. Let him leave the Patriots and see where it gets him. He'll be out of the league in two years!

You know there's more to being an elite wide receiver than touchdowns. He's not a leader! He's not a hustler! He hates everyone who isn't telling him how great he is 24/7! LOSER! Just because he catches a lot of touchdowns doesn't make him so great. Why didn't he have great seasons before this one? I'll tell you why: TOM BRADY.

Without Brady, Moss is just an unhappy attention hog who can't catch anything. Tom Brady is the engine and Randy Moss is the windshield wiper. EASILY REPLACEABLE. If you can figure out those clips and nuts and bolts -- I hate those things!

I hate his stupid dreadlocks and stupid assault cases. He's a distraction! In New England, it's about being AMERICA'S TEAM, being a leader and a star and a great face. Randy Moss is just a guy who catches the balls that are thrown to him perfectly, through three defenders. Do you know who else was useless? Donte Stallworth and Asante Samuel. If it weren't for those guys, the Patriots would have been Super Bowl champions!

While I'm on my soapbox, is GEORGE STEINBRENNER'S SON CRAZY? talking about how Red Sox Nation is a make-believe thing. RED SOX NATION IS THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE. Last I checked, the Yankees didn't have any World Championships in the last eight years. But the Red Sox have two!

Don't get me wrong, I still love the Yankees. But they're bananas! JOSH BECKETT FOR MVP.

As for the Patriots -- I can forgive cheating and the coaching weirdness (as long as it's the GENIUS BILL BELICHICK), but someone wanting to play for someone else is totally against regulations. Once a Patriot, always a Patriot!

Update: 4:30 p.m. MOSS SIGNED! Unfinished business in Patriots Country/Red Sox Nation my friends! Super Bowl chaaaaaampions, here comes the Patriots!

CAVS AND CAV NOTS

By Bandwagon Burt
Wind Sock

That headline was on ESPN today and it blew my mind (CAVS OR CAV NOTS?) I love it! It totally talks about how there is a new power shift in the NBA, how the Cleveland Cavaliers are the new NBA dynasty. Everything is coming together for LeBron and his merry men!

They made the super-uber trade of the millenium and acquired BEN WALLACE and WALLY WORLD for some guys I've never heard of, and Donyell Marshall, Larry Hughes and Dwight Gooden and Ira Newble. Sure, they gave up a lot, but they got BEN WALLACE and his hair! He was having an awesome year in Chicago before he got traded, and now he makes Cleveland the best defensive team in the league. He blocks everything. You've been rejected! He's like Visa every time I call them for a new credit limit. "You've been rejected!" I'm going to start calling him Visa Wallace!

And Wally Sceezzerbacaieka is the best white player in the NBA since HELLO JOHN STOCKTON, and he came from J-Crew U Miami of Ohio and he's been tearing up the NBA for years now. He's the whole reason the SuperSonics hadn't left Seattle yet, and now that he's gone, it's going to be HOLA MEXICO CITY SUPERSONICS. Or maybe Cincinnati.

So Wally is going to be John Stockton to LeBron's Karl Malone, except Bron Bron is WAY better than Karl Malone and John Stockton combined. Ben Wallace is going to be a big tall center in that equation. Olden Polynice! Did he play for the Jazz? Wait, GREG OSTERTAG!

Except Ben Wallace is blacker and has bigger hair. VISA WALLACE. HE DON'T TAKE AMERICAN EXPRESS. In this metaphor, the American Express is the EASTERN CONFERENCE.

The Cavs are unstoppable now. Sure, the Lakers have Kobe and Pau and the Suns have Shaq Fu and the Mavs have Jason Kidd and the Nets have Keith Van Horn, but the Cavs are the new look franchise with title on their mind. It's the BIG THREE IN CLEVELAND.

BASEBALL

By Bandwagon Burt
Wind Sock

Today is the greatest day of the year! Seriously, it's better than New Year's Eve, Halloween, Memorial Day and my birthday COMBINED! SPRING TRAINING BEGINS TODAY.

I have posted a different spring training picture on my computer desktop every 15 minutes on a rotating basis. DID YOU SEE THE GREEN GRASS? Oh my god, how come you aren't as excited as I am about pitchers and catchers reporting?! It's THE GREATEST DAY OF THE YEAR. Baseball is in the air, I can smell it and it smells like HEAVEN! Heaven smells like baseballs and cinnamon rolls.

I don't understand how you can't be as excited as I am, obviously I am a better baseball fan than you. I don't care when opening day is, this day is way more important. Because now you know that baseball is going on, somewhere in the planet. Before now, it was only going on in places that don't count, like the Dominican Republic.Do YOU SEE THAT? That's Pedro, and Willie Randolph and GREEN GRASS IN THE BACKGROUND. They aren't talking about cock-fighting, they're talking about baseball!! How can you not look at pictures like this and feel the sudden and terrifying urge to urinate all over the place? Don't you appreciate baseball? Let's do another one:

Oh my God that's JASON HIRSCH from the Rockies, and even though it's raining there, you can see the GREEN GRASS in the background. It's spring there! It's baseball season? I totally called the Rockies getting to the playoffs last year, and I like them again this year. I also have a hunch the Mets are going to do well, so I'm really excited to see what they can do this time around. THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BEST YEAR YET, except maybe compared to last year, which was pretty great.

I have this day circled in bright red ink on all my calendars. Because to day is not D-Day, it's B-Day. BASEBALL DAY. I don't understand why you aren't as excited.

I'm getting LEI'ed!!!

By Bandwagon Burt
Wind Sock

When I was a little boy, I would watch the Pro Bowl very, very carefully. I would keep track of all the rosters, and make my own Pro Bowl roster predictions each year, and I would have imaginary conversations with myself like I was a television announcer analyzing the game!! Haha, I loved the Pro Bowl.

Man, that was a long time ago. Today, things have changed. Now I do WAY MORE in preparation for football's most exciting game.

I'm so pumped for the 2008 NFL PRO BOWL (This one counts!!). There is NO OTHER GAME where you can get all this talent on the same field. Everyone gets excited for the Super Bowl, but no Super Bowl has ever had Peyton Manning, LaDainian Tomlinson, Reggie Wayne, and Lofa Tatupu all on the field AT THE SAME TIME. And it's in Hawaii, so everyone is relaxed and awesome and wearing fun shirts with sunglasses and NAMASTE! I don't know what that means, but I think it's Hawaiian for "West Coast Offense." Haha, I'm kidding!

I don't really know what it means, though. I think it means "How's it going." I'm almost positive it's Hawaiian.

I have my flow charts ready, and statkeeping software and all my friends are coming over and we're totally going to make sidebets, like who wins the coin toss and what company is going to have the first commercial. I LOVE THE PRO BOWL COMMERCIALS.

The best part about it is that it comes one week after the Super Bowl -- there's no two week layoff between rounds. The media frenzy is really intense, but there's totally less anticipation. I LOVE HOW THEY ALL HAVE THE SAME JERSEY BUT DIFFERENT HELMETS. It's so cool! And the bragging rights are HUGE in the NFL. You better believe that the Patriots in this game feel like they can atone for the loss in the Super Bowl by helping to win the Pro Bowl. Logan Mankins, I'm talking to you!

With all that talent, the level of play doesn't get better than the PRO BOWL, baby! ALOHA MEANS HELLO.

Super Bowl prediction time

Marv Blackstone: I just am not going to allow myself to choose Eli Manning as a Super Bowl-winning quarterback. Look at him. I plan to sit back and watch Eli line up behind right guard Chris Snee no fewer than six times, fumble at least two snaps, throw at least two picks and get a wedgie from Osi Umenyiora on the sideline. And I will laugh and coat my chest hair with Gold Bond and picante salsa. Patriots 34, Giants 10


Curtis Woodsworth: I am really hoping that the Giants don't wear those awful red jerseys during the game. They just end up looking like cherry tomatoes, and what football player wants to look like sweet little balls that you pop into your mouth? Plus, those jerseys color-clash with Tom Coughlin's face. Get you some moisturizer, boy! Patriots 30, Giants 0


Vern Beedle: You're asking me for my prediction, man? My prediction is that a government plot to expose the link between Barack Obama and Giants' offensive coordinator Kevin Gilbride will come to light. You're going to learn all about how Obama is in cahoots with Dennis Rodman and Tori Spelling to inflate oil prices to more than $40,000 a barrel. And it's all coming out after a post pattern to Amani Toomer. That's my prediction, man. Also, Giants 24, Patriots 23

Dr. Charles P. Ipswisch Ah, the American football Super Bowl! It's one of my favorite sporting traditions, ranking right up there with the Egyptian Croquet Federation Championships and the ICC Cricket World Cup. I will eagerly be watching to see if Tom Brady's superior diction and reasoning ability, along with his muscular right arm, will be able to carry his Patriotic men to a victory over the Giants from New Jersey. Deductively, I think that they will be able to triumph, asserting their dominance, much like the late-1970s West Indies cricket squad. Oh, what a chess match this one shall be! Patriots 108, Giants 2

Harvey McGuffin: I remember when you had to earn perfection. The 1972 Dolphins created their empire on grit, determination and heart. There were no pretty faces getting hounded by TMZ, no cornrows and certainly no white wide receivers. They were football players, damn it. Hell, I remember when the key to getting to the Super Bowl was a black head coach and black receivers, all of them gritty. These teams are as bland as cornflakes served in malt-o-meal. If Brian Billick had just saved his timeout, what storylines would we have to pursue? We haven't had a legend play in a Super Bowl since Otis Anderson. God damn it I'm angry and it's almost bedtime. Giants 24, Patriots 21.

Bandwagon Burt:THE PATRIOTS ARE GOING TO BE UNDEFEATED. Dude, did you see that Hitler video online where he's all mad about Dallas losing? THAT WAS HILARIOUS, and then he's like "Well at least I can watch the Patriots go undefeated, at least that's something." EVEN HITLER KNOWS that a dynasty is brewing. I have loved the Patriots since I was a little boy, but this is the crown jewel of my sporting world. Super Bowls are nothing if you don't go undefeated! The Giants won't possibly stand in their way, but I like little Eli and love how they've built all this momentum in road games. That defensive line is incredible, and they played New England SO TOUGH at the end of the season. After that last sentence, I think the Giants have a real chance!!! Prediction: Patriots 68, Giants 67 (9 OT).

Dakota Brezinksi: I don't want to go to bed before the end of the Super Bowl! You promised, daddy, that I could watch. I never get to watch! It's not fair. Every year I only get to see the first half, and I miss all the really good stuff after you make me go to bed. I'm sorry I called Caitlin a bad name when she said, "Who cares if they go undefeated, it's just a game." I'm sorry that I kicked her in the knee and threw her dolly into the pond. I was trying to look like Tom Brady! Tom Brady is my hero! I want to see him win the Super Bowl! THIS HAPPENS EVERY YEAR! I hate you. I hate you and mommy. Patriots 35, Giants 14.

Brenda McDonald: So my older brother is throwing this, like, Super Bowl party, and I'm totally debating whether to go or hang out at Kimmy Dykstra's house. Like, there's going to be beer and stuff, but last time I hung out with my brother's friends, I totally got hit on by his smelly college roommate. I made out with him, of course, but it was kind of awkward and ... I don't know, like, smelly. I don't understand why people love the Super Bowl so much ... I mean, they have one every year. Plus everyone thinks Tom Brady is so hot, but oh my god, have you SEEN Wes Welker's eyes? Patriots 10, Giants 3.

Eli's Cheesecake

By Bandwagon Burt
Wind Sock

Charisma, baby!

LITTLE ELI is going to the Super Bowl, something I totally called the day he was drafted by the New York Giants! I turned to my friends and said, you know what? Look at that guy with that beaming smile. He's got it. I don't know what it is, but he's got it. It's charisma. He's going to the Super Bowl someday.

He proved EVERYONE WRONG, including his detractors, doubters, older brother Peyton, Tiki Barber, the Green Bay Packers, and ALL OF NEW YORK. Start spreading the news (Sinatra was even singing about New York when he sang that, haha!), that ELI MANNING IS GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL. I totally saw this coming, and I couldn't be prouder of my foresight.

While everyone was clamoring for Eli to be traded or demoted or whatever, I totally stood up and said, "that guy is going to be fine, he just needs some time." You could totally see him develop a rapport with Plaxico Burress, probably the best receiver in the NFL. And even though nobody was cheering for him at the end (cuz the game was in Green Bay, of course!), Eli has risen to the top of the heap.

Plus, he has Brandon Jacobs. BRANDON JACOBS KILLED A MAN YESTERDAY ON THE FIELD. I saw it. They kept it hush hush on the television, but he totally killed him. Broke him into pieces in the deep Wisconsin freeze. Chill out, I'm kidding!

The Giants are such a scary football team right now, a SERIOUS THREAT to the Patriots undefeated dynasty. I'm worried about it, being a devout Patriots fan myself, because Eli is playing better than ever before. San Diego traded him for Philip Rivers on draft day -- how CRAZY! That's the reason San Diego lost in the AFC title game, and the Giants are going to the Super Bowl. Bad trade.

I can't spell Osi Umenyora or whatever, but I like him too! THE GIANTS ARE MOTORING, and guess what? They're officially THE VISITING TEAM in the Super Bowl, and they are 10-1 on the road this year! It's going to be a barn-burner!

Final score: Patriots 42, Giants 16.

You call it: The BCS

By Brenda McDonald
High School Socialite

I have been Homecoming Queen each of the last three years.

I even won two years ago, when sophomores weren't eligible to win, but I still ran unopposed. I became an obvious choice so early, and nobody dared vote against me. Why would they? Like, everybody has a role in society, and mine is pretty obvious. I'm like the social chair of civilization. That Homecoming throne is where I belong. It's like, my destiny.

It kind of got old this year, walking down the track around the football field in the pouring rain the night before...ugh! Obviously, I made Bobby Sanderson loan me his coat and hold an umbrella for me, but still.

Anyway, the point of the story is that when you just, like, KNOW who's the best, why bother with a bunch of extras? If other people had been on the Homecoming Queen ballot, it like, would have been a real waste of paper to have an election and stuff, and I am so about saving the whales.

People are like, "There needs to be 16 teams to decide the national championship" and stuff like that. But that's ridiculous. At the end of the year, it's pretty clear who the best team is, and on top of it, they get a team to escort them around the track and loan them an umbrella and stuff. Enjoy your crowns, Ohio State! Don't forget to smile for pictures, and make SURE you go tanning.

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By Harvey McGuffin
I remember when ...

I remember when the national champion was decided by far more accurate means than the damn BCS: people sitting around in a room with pencils and paper.

All this nonsense about computers telling me who the best two teams are makes my head spin. I can't even program a VCR, how am I supposed to know who my national champion is? Somewhere along the way, we forgot the values that make America great: opinions and subjective rankings systems.

Do you think if computers had been allowed to judge Torvill and Dean in their famous Olympic Ice Dance, that they would have gotten a perfect score? I'm sure the computer would have perceived some in-depth analytical flaw in Torvill's toe lift, knocking them down a fraction. Then, what would ice dance enthusiasts have to hold on to in the history of their sport?

What if computers had been allowed to weigh in on whether or not Franco Harris' Immaculate Reception was legal. You want science to interfere with faith? Nobody ever introduced the idea of computers choosing a field of 64 basketball teams. What the hell would Billy Packer and Dick Vitale complain about? I would lose my 20 favorite minutes in television each year if those two were just happy, having a picnic and sharing pictures of grandkids on selection Sunday, instead of bitching about the selection committee.

The national champion is clearly Georgia.

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By Agatha Moonfry
Staff Writer

My absolute favorite thing in the world is survival of the fittest.

I bet Charles Darwin was handsome and entirely delicious. How else would he have arrived at such a charming concept? If, for example, you put a series of small rodents into an enclosed room with just a little bit of food, you find out about 10 days later which animal is strongest, occasionally peeking in through the small window on the back of the wooden shed to get updates. It's scientific, and it's edifying.

If you truly are the fittest, then your reward is endless gratification. Any man or woman can prove their superiority in a one-on-one challenge, no matter the stakes. But the real king of the jungle is the one who has conquered many assailants.

By turning its back on Charles Darwin, the BCS deserves scorn. And also, a mailing of those crazy comic-book leaflets handed out by the right-wing church.

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By Bandwagon Burt
Wind Sock

GEAUX GEAUX GEAUX TIGERS! Haha, it's French! IT'S A FRENCH REVOLUTION.

Burt's Hall of Fame wagon

By Bandwagon Burt
Wind Sock

The time of the year has come when writers from all over the place try to tell us who should be in the baseball Hall of Fame. Since there aren't too many obvious choices like Cal Ripken and Tony Gwynn (BEST FAT GUY EVER!) last year, this might be the year that people finally give some love to dudes who get snubbed every year.

I don't have a vote, but I do have a list of the guys who should be in the Hall. YOU LISTENING, COOPERSTOWN? Why is the Hall of Fame in a shitty little New York town anyway? Put it somewhere more accessible, like Los Angeles or Bristol, Connecticut!

My list.

1. Goose Gossage. Goooooooooooooooose. He had the crazy mustache and he KICKED ASS as a closer. He had the best decade as a closer of anybody who's ever marched in to gimmicky rock songs in the ninth inning. (BEST CLOSER SONG EVER: "Janie's Got a Gun" by Aerosmith). He pitched a ton of innings, too, and got 310 saves and 124 victories. HE DOMINATED.

2. Lee Smith. He had 478 saves. HELLO THAT'S THE MOST IN HISTORY. Seven-time All Star, top five in saves 11 times. He's like the Cal Ripken of saves!

3. Andre Dawson. Everybody always wants to talk about on-base percentage, but let's look at stats that don't require three high-powered computers to calculate. He had 438 home runs and 1,591 RBIs, AND he had 8 gold gloves. Plus, they called him Hawk, because if you didn't vote for him for the Hall of Fame, he would swoop down on your ass and peck you to death with his beak. Then eat you.

4. Jack Morris. BLACK JACK. Or was that a different Jack pitcher? Whatever. He had 254 wins, which is way more than a lot of guys who are Hall of Fame worthy, including Johan Santana. He had a career 2.96 ERA in the WORLD SERIES, and he was among the top five in wins five times in the American League. Plus, he was scary! VOTE BLACK JACK TO THE DANCE.

5. Jim Rice. Why does everyone call him Jim Ed? That's stupid. Is that like Phys Ed or Jim Class? Maybe it's because he was so athletic. Or it's because, he has 382 career home runs, eight all-star appearances, top five votes in the MVP five times, top five in RBI seven times and played for the BOSTON RED SOX. He hasn't been voted in yet, because he's black.

6. Bert Blyleven. DID PEOPLE FORGET THAT BERT BLYLEVEN PLAYED BASEBALL? He ranks fifth in career strikeouts, eighth in shutouts, 17th in wins, and everyone who ranks ahead of him in those categories is in the Hall of Fame or still ineligible for the Hall, except Tommy John, who is in the Hall of Accidental Fame. Just because he didn't win 300 games is soooo stupid. I'll circle you, Bert!

7. Dale Murphy. He won the MVP two times, during which he dominated everybody in baseball. Just because he didn't stick around that long doesn't mean you should forget greatness. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? Also, I read that he's ambidextrous. He might be the first ambidextrous guy in the Hall of Fame! I WOULD TOTALLY VISIT THAT EXHIBIT.

8. Keith Hernandez. Do people not vote him in because he was on Seinfeld all those times? That's a shitty reason. Best fielding first baseman ever! I challenge you to come up with a better fielder than Keith Hernandez. Ozzie was in the Hall of Fame for fielding, and so is Willie Mays, so why not Keith? I'M KEITH HERNANDEZ

9. Ron Santo. He was one of the best third basemen for many decades, and he did it all without his real legs. How come Tommy John gets all kinds of credit for being the first to tear his rotator cuff, but nobody talks about Santo's accomplishments?

10. Dave Concepcion. Best all-around shortstop of his generation, and he was a member of the Big Red Machine. He stole a ton of bases, made a ton of great plays in the field, and has numbers similar to some other Hall of Famers. PUT HIM IN THE HALL.

11. Dave Parker. He won an MVP, a couple batting championships and sang "We Are Family" while snorting cocaine and hitting home runs. Trust me, I'm speaking from experience, that is HARD TO DO! I want an old-school Pirates uniform for my birthday.

12. Donnie Ballgame. Mattingly would have been the next great manager of the New York Yankees, but George Steinbrenner is CRAZY. He was an MVP and won nine Gold Gloves and might have been a better fielder than Keith Hernandez! HOW CAN THAT NOT BE ENOUGH TO GET HIM IN?

13. Pete Rose. It's SO STUPID that Bud Selig won't let him in. Just because he gambled a little doesn't mean he should be kept out of the Hall. Tim Donaghy bet on THE GAMES HE REFFED, and nobody has come out and said that Donaghy would be barred from the NBA Hall of Fame. It's just not consistent.

14. Tim Raines. They called him Rock because he rolled, haha! He had 2,605 hits and 808 stolen bases, and all after taking it easy for the last decade and a half of his career. You can't hold it against him that he played in Montreal. CANADIANS RULE! Like Sarah McLachlan. She's a fox.

15. Harold Baines. GREATEST DESIGNATED HITTER EVER, except maybe for Edgar Martinez and Pete Incagvilia.

16. Jose Rijo. The man came back after being out of the game for FIVE YEARS, and he also did really well in the 1990 World Series. That's two cool things in one career, and that gets my vote.

17. Mark McGwire. HE NEVER TESTED POSITIVE FOR STEROIDS. Also, he doesn't want to think about the past, so he's on my present ballot! Haha! Seriously, though, he hit all those home runs in 1998 and everyone loved him! He wasn't in the Mitchell Report, so he probably didn't do anything wrong. Just vote for him.

18. Kirby Puckett. How is he not in the Hall of Fame yet? Oh wait, he is. Nevermind. BEST FAT GUY EVER.

19. Robb Nen. He has 314 saves and he was on the World Series team with the Marlins! Nobody ever remembers him as an elite closer, because he didn't have a funny theme song or a magic dance like Papelbon. It's a crime that nobody talks about him. PUT HIM IN THE HALL.

20. Alan Trammell. He was only one of the best shortstops for like 20 years, and he hit way better than .300. He raked on Nintendo RBI Baseball too!

21. David Justice. Got with Halle Berry.
22. Chuck Finley. Got with, then beat up by, Tawny Kitaen
23. Albert Belle. Got some guy to steal a bat for him. That's persuasive power! And he tore up a lot of baseballs, but he gets forgotten because he was an ass before he overdosed on steroids. Barry Bonds is an ass and everyone loves him! It's not consistent.
24. Nook LaLooche. Killer fastball.
25. Dante Bichette. Got some MVP votes.
26. Jose Mesa. Longest career in recorded history.
27. Randy Myers. Dominant closer for a few years.
28. Hideo Nomo. The TORNADO, threw like three no-hitters!
29. Gary Gaetti. Completely underappreciated.
30. Jay Buhner. THE GOATEE.

So if anyone ever asks Burt to choose a Hall of Fame class of 2008, I would choose Gossage, Smith, Dawson, Morris, Rice, Blyleven, Murphy, Hernandez, Santo, Concepcion, Ballgame, Parker, Rose, Raines, Baines, Rijo, McGwire, Puckett, Nen, Trammell, Justice, Finley, Belle, LaLooche, Bichette, Mesa, Myers, Nomo, Gaetti and Buhner.

I know that leaves a lot of guys snubbed from the list, but that's why the Hall of Fame is such a prestigious honor! Not just anyone can get in. Sorry, you should have played better!

Christmas at Burt's house

By Bandwagon Burt
Wind Sock

This was probably the worst Christmas I've ever had.

First of all, my stupid sister Wendy wanted me to play Santa Claus for her six-year-old boy, which was STUPID -- do I look fat to you? It meant I had to go over there during what was supposed to be my pregame routine for the CAVS-HEAT showdown featuring KING OF ALL THE WORLD LeBron James (I am a WITNESS) and D-Wade of the high-flying Miami Heat. Ddddddddd-Wade. That's like a drumroll.

Anyway, I told little Timmy that there was no real Santa. That solved that problem, but I still had an awful day when I opened up my first gift. I told my wife very specifically that I wanted a Clemens jersey. She was like, "who does he play for?" and I practically PASSED OUT. HELLO, ANGIE, HE PLAYS FOR NEW YORK, I said.

But when I open up the box, it was a KELLEN Clemens jersey, from the New York Jets. I about lost it. I'm only trying to support the greatest pitcher in Major League Baseball history and she gets me the backup quarterback for the Jets? WHAT A HORRIBLE CHRISTMAS.

I wanted to show my support for Roger, since all the haters in the world think he's on steroids. What a crock! Roger is a natural born hero, and he's INNOCENT! He's INNOCENT! That's like a Snoop Dog Doggy song! I'm gonna stand by my man until he's proven guilty, and since this is America, that's not going to happen until he's proven guilty! Besides, if he really did what all those people in the Mitchell Report said he did, there would be little red marks all over his butt. Until someone can show me that evidence, I'll never believe he did anything wrong.

I really wanted tickets to see the last Patriots game of the year, but my stupid brother said they were too expensive. DAMMIT, THIS IS CHRISTMAS, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GO ALL OUT. I told him I didn't want them unless they were undefeated, and my brother said he didn't know that until two days before Christmas, and then the price went through the roof or something. I think he's lying.

So now I have to sit at home and wait for the Patriots to play on my television and hopefully fulfill a dream I've been thinking about since I was a little boy. UNDEFEATED IN FOXBORO! That's a great slogan, if somebody wants to buy it from me, haha! I don't see how they can't go undefeated. They're amazing! TOM BRADY (MVP! MVP!) and Randy Moss and Wes Welker! Have you ever seen a white person that good? He's the 1997 Michael Jordan of white receivers. He might be BETTER than Jordan!

Oh my god, what if Belichick rests their starters and they lose? TO LITTLE ELI. That would be embarrassing, and I'd DEFINITELY call for Belichick to be fired. I can't believe anyone would even think of something like that.

Almost there! Hope your Christmas didn't suck like mine!

Helio the world

By Bandwagon Burt
Wind sock

I VOTED 156 TIMES FOR HELIO CASTRONEVES!

If I’m not watching sports, there is a good chance that I’m watching Dancing With the Stars, and I was GLUED to my television set (literally, thanks to a Krazy Glue accident, haha!) for the big finale.

Helio! YOU KNOW HELIO? It’s like that commercial where that foreign Spanish guy is saying “You know Sergio?” And then they go party together. Helio is a dancing party. He’s SPIDER MAN, the Formula 1 engine that could (AND DID) win the Indy 500 like five times. HE’S A BORN WINNER and that’s why he won. Also, he’s Spider Man.

Remember when he climbed up that fence at the Indy 500 after winning? He’s so damn charming. He’s like the Roberto Benigni of reality television. And also, his dancing partner was SMOKING HOT. Better than Mel B. BOY POWER. Girls never win Dancing With the Stars, and that’s why Mel B lost. She was a Spice Girl. IF YOU WANNA BE MY LOVER, you got to vote for Helio Castroneves.

Sports stars RULE on that show. Anton Apolo Ohno or whatever his name is won last year (I totally voted for him) and Emmett Smith won that won time (totally voted for him) and Jerry Rice did really well. And KENNY MANYE is on sometimes giving SportsCenter updates. He’s so funny! Pro athletes are born to dance! SCREW MARIE OSMOND. That lying, fake fainter. HELIO!

I'm at an all-time high right now

By Bandwagon Burt
Wind Sock

The Doctor is in.

The doctor, in this case, is the NBA COACH OF THE YEAR Doc Rivers, who has turned the Boston Celtics around from a franchise without anything going for it except some silly parquet floor into the best team out there. Look out, Western Conference! That's right Shaq, I'm talking to you!

God, I love Boston teams. What a great year to be a Bostonian! Matt Ryan, Josh Beckett, Tom Brady and KG1000! Every team is AWESOME.

Kevin Garnett is the best player in the league, and now has some real teammates instead of the crud he had to work with in Minnesota. THERE WAS NO PIPPEN TO HIS JORDAN! But now he has a Pippen -- Paul Pierce and Ray Allen. They're really old and stuff, but they are kicking ass and the Celtics are SEVEN AND ZERO, and to show how great Garnett is, he was named conference player of the week! That stuff doesn't happen overnight.

That's their best start in 35 years! Do you know how long ago that was? That's 1972! That's before Ray Allen was even in the league. LARRY BIRD was still playing for the Celtics, probably. And the General Robert Parrish from THE COLLEGE OF CENTENARY! Do you know how I know that? WIKIPEDIA. Larry Bird went to Indiana State, John Stockton went to Gonzaga.

I have a theory. Kevin McHale, who played with Parrish and Bird in Boston and his now GM in Minnesota, knew that the Celtics needed to return to their glory days. So he traded Garnett to Boston. It's a CONSPIRACY. SOMEONE CALL FOX MULDER. Just kidding. But now the Timberwolves are bad, so McHale is probably torn about how good the Celtics have done. NO TRADEBACKS, KEVIN, haha! That guy is pasty white.

I smell 82-0 baby! Everyone always says how impossible that is, but nobody's saying that now. The Boston area is all about perfection! The Patriots are going to go 16-0, the Red Sox won the World Series, the Boston College football team is going to go undefeated, probably, and now the CELTICS. I. can't. breathe.

The world is ending

All weekend long, Flotsam will be bringing you news and updates on the biggest event to hit the world, ever. We'll keep you informed, amused and probably titillated. Check back for updates. Say your piece below. You know the drill.

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Sunday Update: an hour before kickoff.

By Bandwagon Burt
Wind Sock

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

I have tried to sleep for the last three nights, but I simply can't, so I'm on coffee and Smarties and Tootsie pops and caffeine pills, thinking about NFL football! I NEED TO KNOW WHO WINS THE SHOWDOWN.

You have The Patriots and their New England dynasty and Belichick the MAN-GENIUS and a nervous Bob Griese and Donte Stallworth up the middle and Richard Seymour, Medicine Man, and Randy Randy Moss! You can't not love that. And it's BOSTON, THE CITY OF ANGELS.

Then you have Peyton's Place and Marvelous Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne and going through the big D, and yes I mean Dallas! Dallas CLARK! The defense is hard hitting, with Freeney and Sanders and TONY DUNGY IS A BLACK MICHELANGELO. You can't not love that. Indianapolis FIVE-HUNDRED. I'm a member of the A/V club, and you know I'm talking about Adam Viniateri.

In the end, I choose neither. TIE GAME. You heard me.

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Saturday Update: 4:09 p.m.

By Curtis Woodsworth
Fabulous

Honey, if you don't think I'll be watching tomorrow's game sitting in a bathtub full of raspberry jello, with my hair in rollers and clutching my Tom Brady and Bob Sanders bobblehead dolls, you are cuh-razy.

I love a good football game, and this is as good as it gets. While Peyton doesn't have the looks, he has the brains and sometimes you can look past a flabby ass and trapezodial forehead to appreciate some smarts.

On the other hand, Thomas is as rugged as camping in the woods with Kevin Millar in November. And he's got an arm like a big ol' hose.

My prediction for the game? Ecstasy.

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The dark side - Saturday, 11:45 a.m.

DeJuan C3PO
Fly Scribe

I am damn sure that Uncle Marv is illiterate, but if he's reading, I want to make it clear that from now henceforth, I want the title of my column to be "The Dark Side With DeJuan C3p0." I can hear the pitter patter of fine ladyfeet running over to stroke DeJuan's chest hair as I type. "Oooh, suger, you that fly C3P0 from the Dark Side?" "Honey, let me show you my death star."

Cue that crazy ass music. Darth Vader is in the house, and he is breathing heavily.

That dark side shit is damn appropriate cuz that's kind of what the New England Patriots is. They've got Tom Brady and Mike Vrabel and Wes Welker and a whole lotta white folk, but that Bill Belichick is evil. He's got cameras in bathrooms and shit. DeJuan is not okay with that.

He's also done some damn crazy stuff in his career, and I am pretty sure ain't nobody likes him. He's probably killed a man. That's uncouth.

So all this undefeated shit, and this rolling over opponents? Dog, I think he's using some kind of dark force. Mindmelding and shit. I think Yoda would be mighty pissy if he saw what was going down. Man, I am on board with not calling down the dogs if you're up 21 in the fourth quarter. But they were up 40 with two minutes to go. What the shit? You don't want to kick the Redskins when their chips are down.

They've won three Super Bowls, and I have to wonder if some soul-selling with the devil ain't part of that. It just ain't right. It reminds me of my favorite song, "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" by the damn incomparable Charlie Daniels. Of course, the devil did not go down to Georgia because the Falcons probably didn't sell their soul. If they did, they got some shitty results out of that deal.

All's I've got to say is I'm pulling for the good guys, the whitest of white people Peyton Manning and Tony Dungy's white wizard Gandolf shit. Frodo Fucking Baggins.

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Quarterback comparison - 7:27 p.m.

By Dakota Brezinski
Seven-year-old

I will always love Mr. Bubba.

He was my favoritest stuffed animal, a ginormous panda bear, and we had many wonderful times. Mr. Bubba was by my side went I rode on a plane for the first time to visit Grandma, and when I first climbed up the big tree at recess and started running around the school roof. Mr. Bubba was always there for me.

He was the greatest stuffed animal I ever had. But then came Dr. Eugene Burp.Dr. Eugene Burp was a present for my sixth birthday. He was a stuffed grizzly bear, with fuzzy fur, and he TALKED! All I had to do was grab his hand and he said funny things, like "Raaaaaaar." And "Don't start forest fires." We had lots of conversations, and Dr. Eugene Burp became a stuffed animal who could listen and talk back when I wanted to tell him about my day. I told him about how Tanner and I put a mice in Mrs. Winston's coffee, and he said, "Say no to smoking." Dr. Eugene Burp!

Slowly, he became my favoritest stuffed animal. When I would play in the yard, he would come with me and tell me fun things, even though it used to be Mr. Bubba who came with me. I think Mr. Bubba was jealous. It makes me sad sometimes because Mr. Bubba is still a really good stuffed animal, and if he challenged Dr. Eugene Burp to a fight, I think Mr. Bubba might win.

The media doesn't care about their Mr. Bubba, Peyton Manning, anymore. He averaged 36 touchdowns over the last three years and won a SUPER DUPER BOWL last year and has completed 65 percent of his passes every year since 2002, including this year. Tom Brady is pretty good, even better than Dr. Eugene Burp, with 30 touchdowns already. But before this year, he never completed 65 percent of his passes, and he has the advantage of a super good football team to play with.

But that doesn't make Mr. Bubba a bad stuffed animal, or Peyton Manning a quarterback everyone should forget. But there is only room for one favoritest stuffed animal in the hearts of people, and right now Tom Brady is the one who talks! "Don't have sex before marriage." I don't know what that means, but the man with the pretty green robe said it last weekend at church. It sounds like something Dr. Eugene Burp would say.

I still think Mr. Bubba could beat Dr. Eugene Burp in a fight. Someday, I will know.

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Scouting Report Update - 4:07 p.m.
By Murphy Kramer
Punters win championships

Coach Murphy Kramer is the head football coach at Plano Horizons High School in Plano, Ohio. His Fighting Broncos have a 18-77 mark in his 10 seasons at the helm, including a 2-9 mark last season.

I've seen a lot of tremendous football games in my years on the Planet Mother Earth, some of them in person. A man with a sharp mind such as mine never forgets those moments, the rush of anticipation and the occasional burst of urine that squirts out the chute on a game-winning touchdown. I will never forget, for example, when the Buffalo Bills had an exciting 13-3 lead on Dallas at halftime of Super Bowl XXVIII in 1994, only to fall, 30-13. Games like that make you proud to be a coach.

But I have never seen anything that rivals this. The New England Patriots and Indianapolis Colts will square off for legal supremacy of the National Football League, with each team bearing a quarterback, a dominant aerial attack, coaches at the top of their game, and a fan base that comes from two of America's largest markets. It's Goliath vs. Goliath, which I promise you, will make any David vs. Goliath matchup blush.

This is not pansy football, like the Giants and Dolphins flying to England for crumpets and a friendly game on the goddamned pitch. This is what we've been waiting for. Old Murph breaks it down:

Running Game: Never in my life have I allowed a player of mine to have long dangling hair out of his helmet, unless that player wants to be called "she" for the rest of the year. I love Bill Belichick like a father loves his adult son -- proud and loving but always slightly irritated when he doesn't loan me money when I ask. I don't get this lapse in his coaching genius, allowing Laurence Maroney to parade all over the field like a little gypsy. I'd much rather have Joseph Addai and his superb start to the year, making everyone forget Edgerrin James. Advantage: Colts.

Wide receivers: I used to love Marvin Harrison, but not being able to play on the day of reckoning deeply disappoints me. It's like the feeling you get when you kid talks back to you for the first time, or runs away from home, or steals someone's car. It's just disgusting. And while Reggie Wayne is good, Randy Moss is the best big play receiver I've ever seen, and the Patriots have an edge if the Colts are missing half of their 1-2 punch. Somehow, Bill Belichick got Moss to try. Probably electrotherapy. Advantage: Patriots.

Quarterback: How dare you ask me to choose a side. One is on pace to break every record in the book, both in lovely young ladies bagged and touchdown passes thrown. Needless to say, scoring is not Tom Brady's problem. But all Peyton Manning has done is win a Super Bowl more recently than any other quarterback, and continue to dominate the league while everyone looks the other way at the shiny object in Massachussets. When will Peyton get some respect? I'll tell you when. Now. Dammit. Advantage: Colts.

Defense: That Bob Sanders has a lot of heart, but heart only gets you a cup of coffee, some doughnuts and a membership to the ladies' book club. The Patriots have real men with real size on their side, including the behemoth Mike Vrabel, who forced three fumbles in one game last week. Advantage: Patriots

Special teams: Adam Vinatieri has won Super Bowls with both these teams, which should tell you something. The mark of a good team is its kicker, and this is no exception. Advantage: Colts

Coach: You make me choose again, you wretched hags. Bill Belichick is a genius of epic proportions, while Tony Dungy is the greatest black man of all time. They're both going to be at the top of their game, with Belichick calling many plays involving Brady and Dungy calling many plays using Manning. In the end, I have to go with the man who dresses snappier. You can tell a lot about a man based on what he wears, and the color of his skin. Advantage: Colts.

Intangibles: The Patriots might be the best team ever. Advantage: Patriots.

In the end, I like the Patriots to win by two touchdowns, and the world will laugh and giggle at the concept of an undefeated season until Baltimore gives them the business on Monday Night in Week 13. It's a brave new world we live in, and Old Murph is just glad he isn't dead yet.

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Friday, 2:27 p.m.: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. To get psyched up for this weekend and The Greatest Regular Season Game Ever Played, let's do some pump-up word association.

Tom Brady. Peyton Manning. Football. Undefeated. Bill Belichick. Evil. Voldemort. Harry Potter. Hermione. Hot. Sex. Porn. Rusty Trombone.

Nice.

Properly psyched for the Apocalypse? I thought so. Here at Flotsam, we'll have coverage all weekend of an event you don't want to hear anymore about. But that's what sports journalism is about: ignoring the tried-and-true methods of supply and demand.

Here's a few links to get you started:

Tough crowd (ESPN): In this article, Greg Garber states his goal of finding out whether Tom Brady or Peyton Manning is better. He then polls several legendary quarterbacks about who is better. Predictably, they all act like little bitches and refuse to pick a side, saying that it's impossible to separate. It's a huge goddamn waste of time.

Mike Sando of ESPN writes another article about this same topic. He also fails to reach a single conclusion about which quarterback is better. What the hell? Who are we talking to here? Why won't anyone make a decision? Let's see if Sports Illustrated is any better.

Dr. Z of SI.com takes a look at the offenses of the two teams and compares the quarterbacks. The result? Another tie. The sports media can go to hell.

Check back later, when we'll have our own scouting report, as well as the entire Flotsam staff weighing in with their thoughts on the matchup. We're just going to keep updating this same post until it's longer than DeJuan's johnson.


P.S. Peyton Manning is better

A point-point-counterpoint

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE ABOUT THE WORLD SERIES?

Well, everything. But also, the crisp October air in New York! And Boston! And WEATHER OR NOT, here comes the Boston Red Sox and their awesome seriously great pitcher Josh Beckett in game one Wednesday night!

I love the Rockies and what they've done, but bow to the American League juggernaut! MANNY IS ALWAYS BEING MANNY, and David Ortiz is still the clutchest baseball player ever and Jason Varitek is the catcher (which is why he wears that "C" on his jersey) but he's also the TEAM CAPTAIN! He's like Derek Jeter, except whiter and a catcher. But then there's Beckett who is what my black friend Will Smith would call a BAD, BAD MAN! He's like The Nasty Boys, except just one Nasty Boy. I wouldn't mess with Becks.

Did you see that X-girlfriend of his sing the National Anthem in Cleveland? She's smoking! That was the turning point of the ALCS.

Boston is just better in every facet of the game. They have more Manny, more hitting, more fielding, more baserunning, more Rookie of the Year candidates, more MVP candidates, more Cy Young candidates and a better manager. Terry Francona! He's like the architect from the Matrix. HE BUILT THIS CITY ON ROCK AND ROLL.

Plus, Boston has the tradition. They made the World Series a couple years ago and the Rockies have not. It's all about track record once you get to this point.


What is this deal with Burt taking a stance on something? I don't even know what to do with this.

What about the Rockies winning 21 of 22 games? What about Troy Tulowitzki's defense, which is tighter than Burt's mother on her wedding night? What about Matt Holliday, who's as good of a hitter as anyone on the Sox? What about the Boston outfielders trying to cover that gigantic pasture at Coors Field?

What about David Ortiz trying to play first base in the thin air, without the aid of an oxygen tank?

What about the Rockies really loving Jesus?


I don't know who loves Jesus more, but I do know that JOHNNY DAMON is Jesus and plays in the Boston outfield. Or used to. Manny is so laid back and awesome, and it's not the end of the world if he loses, but he's TOTALLY going to step up his game in the World Series! Did I mention which team has Josh Beckett and JONATHAN PAPELBON. What kind of dance will he come up with when they win the Series? It's going to be a RIOT!

But Marv has me thinking. The Rockies are pretty sweet too, with Matt Holliday (MVPMVPMVPMVP) leading the charge and the Canadian Dudley Do-Right JEFF FRANCIS with the left arm of God! Dudley Do-Right was that Canadian park ranger, right? The play in the thin air and are going to have lots of fans cheering in the TEN INCHES OF SNOW. Manny will be making snow angels and Troy Tulowitzki is going to totally hit liners down the line that just stop in the snow! It's going to be madness! Like Hurricane Katrina with snow!

I don't get it about my mom. Tight defense? Also, my mom was never married. ZING.

I can't decide who's going to win? THE RED SOX? THE ROCKIES? So many choices! TODD HELTON.

THERE'S ONLY ONE ROCKTOBER!


You know, Dane Cook is a cultural phenomenon that I don't understand. Apparently, he's a stand-up comedian, and pretty much all of those suck (except for David Cross, who I love like a son. In fact, he might be my son. There are lots of those floating around, and we do share quite a few common traits).

I did some research, and here are some choice Dane Cook quotes:

"One brother, five sisters ... dude, I'd have to wear a tampon just to fit in."

"I invite her back to my apartment, or as I call it, the 'Death Star.' I'm still working on it, it's not completely operational."

"You're with someone for like two weeks in and you're like, 'No way. I can't stand this person. I'll stay around for five or six years and we can end this thing violently. I got time."

"I was literally cheated on. I woke up and they were on top of me."

What the hell is this? Why would he feel the need to fit in with his sisters? The Death Star? And the last one is the worst play on words since that asshole who sent in ten puns to his newspaper, hoped to win, but no pun in ten did.

God damn it. God damn Dane Cook for bringing this up.

And he's not even one of those comedians where you need to hear his delivery for the jokes to really have an effect. In fact, I think that makes him worse. All he does is shout at me and writhe around on stage like an epileptic, functionally-retarded Joe Cocker with a tight-fitting graphic T-shirt. And now that he's on TV all the time, all he's doing now is shouting at me that there's only one October. Well, no shit. There's also only one March, and one June, and one Boxing Day (Canada).

Dane Cook sucks.

Also, since Glowing Green Burt switched his allegiances to the Rockies, they got their ass handed to them, 13-1, in Game 1.

What say you now, Burt?


DUSTIN PEDROIA! He's Eckstein with hair! RED SOX!

This is the story of a guy named BRADY!

By Bandwagon Burt
Wind Sock

Sometimes I lay awake at night and dream of TOM BRADY.

Seriously, I don’t know how many people have noticed, but he’s put up some INSANE numbers (26 touchdown passes in seven games) and the Patriots are going to go 16-0 because of the Michigan Magnificent Magician Marvelous, who is throwing an average of SIX TOUCHDOWNS A GAME. He’s unbelievable. Best quarterback of our generation, and he’s super, super clutch.

Can you believe he wasn’t even going to be the starter in college? That was going to be DREW HENSON (may he rest in peace), and nobody knew how fantastic Brady was going to be. But a bunch of Super Bowl wins later, a ton of regular season wins for fun, re-creating the dynastic mystique of the New England Patriots, a few supermodels bagged, and Brady is the greatest quarterback of our generation.

I HAVE HIM ON MY FANTASY TEAM AND I HAVEN’T LOST A GAME.

Randy Moss hated other people, and never played hard, but he gets on the Patriots and Tom Brady puts his Glenda the Good Witch powers on him and suddenly he’s like the best receiver of our generation. And WES WELKER, who used to be just an average white guy, is now catching like two touchdowns a game! Bad backup running backs have shouldered the load, the defense has dominated, and even the kicker has been good, all because of TOM EDWARD BRADY, JR. I’m a dude, but I’m comfortable saying that he’s handsome. WHO DOESN’T WANT TO BE (with) TOM BRADY?

I’m Tom Brady and I support this message! Just kidding. I wish I was Tom Brady, though.

The Patriots are my sleeper pick to win another Super Bowl this year, and they’re probably going to win every game by no fewer than 19 points. THAT’S AMAZING. They’re not going to sip champagne in Miami this year, so calm down, Brian Griese’s Dad. This team is legit, and a child shall lead them! A child named TOM BRADY. I have been looking at some box scores and he's even throwing touchdowns to HIMSELF. He's playing tight end AND quarterback at the same time. Nobody else in the league can do that, except maybe, maybe Brett Favre.

WHAT A YEAR IN BOSTON. First, the Red Sox totally get into the World Series in seven games, EXACTLY AS I PREDICTED, and now they’re leading the league in awesome in the NFL. What a year!

Do you know who is not awesome? Tony Romo.

The World Series of awesome

By Bandwagon Burt
Wind Sock

HOLY FREAKING CHUTES AND LADDERS, BATMAN! The Yankees are out after ONE ROUND of the playoffs, which means George Steinbrenner is totally going to fire Joe Torre and hire Joe Girardi or Bobby Valentine or Don Zimmer to run the team! Viva la Revolution! It's going to be crazy! I can't even remember the last time the Yankees were out after one round, it has to be like 10 years since that last happened! It's hard to imagine the Yankees not in the World Series, but someone still has to win, so without further ado, here's Burt's WORLD SERIES PREVIEW. I'm a one-man Preview Channel!

With the Yankees gone, predicting a World Series winner is HARD, except it's definitely the Boston Red Sox. MANNY BEING MANNY! Did you see him hit that super A-Bomb past the Coke bottles against K-Bombed? That was AMAZING. He totally let that ball get by him in the outfield earlier in the game, knowing he was going to hit that big home run. He's dramatic! And with Big Papi hitting game-winning home runs like once every other game, and incredible ace Curt Schilling still pitching like a Cy Young candidate, it's hard to imagine the Red Sox ever losing a game, especially to Cleveland, which doesn't really have that great of a team, if you ask me. They're from Cleveland, don't they always choke? But the Red Sox have bad boy superfly Josh Beckett, closer Jon Papelbon and the JAPANESE MACHINE Dice-K. That K stands for STRIKEOUT. I never understood why that's the letter they use to abbreviate, but that's HOW IT IS, and Dice-K is gonna get you to swing and miss! I can't wait.

I didn't even mention Dustin Pedroia, who is probably the best rookie middle infielder in the last 10 years! Or Hideki Okajima, who is probably the best rookie middle reliever in the last 10 years! The Red Sox have all the middles covered! They're middle men! And they're going to beat Cleveland quickly and easily. Prediction: Red Sox in seven.

In the National League, the Rockies are winning EVERY SINGLE GAME, and that's because of (MVPMVPMVP) Matt Holliday, who is going to be MVP. They also have Todd Helton and Troy Tulowitzki, who is going to be in a tough race with Pedroia for rookie of the year. Plus, they hit tons and tons of home runs becuase they play in Coors Field, and they have JAPANESE MACHINE Kaz Matsui hitting triples and stuff. HE'S THE KAZMANIAN DEVIL!

The Diamondbacks are exciting because they have former World Series MVP Livan Hernandez (and his name is Livan! and he shall be a good man! Taylor Hicks sang that song on Idol -- I picked Taylor to win that thing from the start) and Brandon Webb, who had a scoreless innings streak that lasted a bunch of innings earlier this year. They should call him Spider Man because his last name is Webb. SPIDER SENSES ON, STRIKE THREE CALLED.

This series has a lot of color, and not just because the team colors are purple and maroon! I like the Diamondbacks, probably in five games. Or the Rockies in five games. It's definitely not going to six!