I'm at an all-time high right now

By Bandwagon Burt
Wind Sock

The Doctor is in.

The doctor, in this case, is the NBA COACH OF THE YEAR Doc Rivers, who has turned the Boston Celtics around from a franchise without anything going for it except some silly parquet floor into the best team out there. Look out, Western Conference! That's right Shaq, I'm talking to you!

God, I love Boston teams. What a great year to be a Bostonian! Matt Ryan, Josh Beckett, Tom Brady and KG1000! Every team is AWESOME.

Kevin Garnett is the best player in the league, and now has some real teammates instead of the crud he had to work with in Minnesota. THERE WAS NO PIPPEN TO HIS JORDAN! But now he has a Pippen -- Paul Pierce and Ray Allen. They're really old and stuff, but they are kicking ass and the Celtics are SEVEN AND ZERO, and to show how great Garnett is, he was named conference player of the week! That stuff doesn't happen overnight.

That's their best start in 35 years! Do you know how long ago that was? That's 1972! That's before Ray Allen was even in the league. LARRY BIRD was still playing for the Celtics, probably. And the General Robert Parrish from THE COLLEGE OF CENTENARY! Do you know how I know that? WIKIPEDIA. Larry Bird went to Indiana State, John Stockton went to Gonzaga.

I have a theory. Kevin McHale, who played with Parrish and Bird in Boston and his now GM in Minnesota, knew that the Celtics needed to return to their glory days. So he traded Garnett to Boston. It's a CONSPIRACY. SOMEONE CALL FOX MULDER. Just kidding. But now the Timberwolves are bad, so McHale is probably torn about how good the Celtics have done. NO TRADEBACKS, KEVIN, haha! That guy is pasty white.

I smell 82-0 baby! Everyone always says how impossible that is, but nobody's saying that now. The Boston area is all about perfection! The Patriots are going to go 16-0, the Red Sox won the World Series, the Boston College football team is going to go undefeated, probably, and now the CELTICS. I. can't. breathe.