DeJuan takes on the GM meetings

DeJuan C3PO
Fly Scribe

For a minute, bitches, Alex Rodriguez was gonna be a member of the Chicago White Sox.

So check it, I show up a few days ago in booty-full Orlando, Fla. for the general managers meetings and I'm all decked out for a party. I check in with my main man Kenny Williams and we start kicking back some cold ones at a local tavern. Shared stories all night and dog, you would not believe the awful shit Ozzie Guillen sings in the shower. How does Kenny Williams know this? Shit, foo, ain't my business.

Anyway, Kenny gets liquored up on some scotch, rum and fuzzy navels and can't even get his ass out of bed the next morning. So he's all like "DeJuan, your country and shit needs you!" and I get my finest piece of leopard-woven leather boots and high tail it to the meetings as K-Dawg's official voice of the people.

I had a great day, and shit I had this incredible plan to get A-Rod hitting home runs for the pale ho's. They were talking some serious cash and carry for this guy's services, something like three G's. Dog, I don't have that kind of scratch. So I peek around some corners, find A-Rod, and lock his ass in the freezer of the downstairs kitchen, thinking K-Dawg and Ozzball can get some reinforcements and carry him back to Chicago. Shit, it ain't stealing if it's overpriced.

Turns out it wasn't A-Rod though, it was Omar Minaya. How am I supposed to tell these people apart?

Before all that went down, I voted for instant replay (shit, just ask the fine LaToya Lenear how inspirational some nice video playback can be), threw some money at Juan Uribe (the brother looked like he could use a break after sucking for all those years) and gave an unsuspecting Jim Hendry a wedgie. Shit, I'm just doing my part cuz there's this rivalry and such.

I didn't really give him a Wedgie, but I did tell him how fucking awesome Kaz Matsui was, and in the end, I think that gag was way better.

Once they got Minaya out of the freezer, though, it was bye-bye for DeJuan. I tried to disguise myself with those Mickey Mouse ears, but Omar's got eyes like a Spanish eagle. I did my journalistic duty though and embedded myself in those meetings, and I can officially report that there be some hella talk about trades. And at least one team (the fuckin' White Sox!) is offering 20 million over four years to David Eckstein. Dog, I love leprechauns.