Hollow weenies

By Agatha Moonfry
Staff Writer

As I was carefully unfurling the ritualistic costume for my annual Halloween festivities, I had an epiphany of epic proportions. With money being tight at the Moonfry household, given the alarming number of souls in today's modern economy unwilling to engage in a friendly tarot reading, I am often looking for ways to make some extra money.

The idea stems from my weeklong parade up and down the city streets of America's six largest major cities, adorned in the furry armaments of the Sinister Nurse. It was a disappointing year, to be sure, as the standard for good Halloween costume fare has plunged to an achingly low level, and I could see this sad reality in my travels. For the first time in years, I am considering using my two weeks of paid vacation for another occasion. Possibly the harvest moon.

A girl can only handle so many "Dick in a box" costumes before purging all over the city streets of Philadelphia or New York. Men without any sort of makeup, headgear or attire think they can get away with simply attaching a cardboard box to their nether regions and unceremoniously scribbling something in black magic marker across the side.

And so I shall solve two problems with one swing, by starting the Moonfry Sports Costume Line, for Halloween or other, more sexually-charged occasions during the course of the year. Some examples:

The Travis Henry: Broncos helmet, with cannabis decals fasted firmly to the side, and plenty of hemp accessories. Possibly carrying a sampling of snack foods, with some drops to make eyes nice and red. "World's best daddy" t-shirt a must, possibly with up to six baby dolls fastened to person. Evil baby dolls.

The Tony LaRussa: Long, fabulous hippy hair, with a grouchy disposition best conveyed by folded arms and short, snippy sentences. It's a reach, but must have worn out tennis shoes to signify constant walks to the mound. A magnifying glass to portray micromanagement. Also, subject must be drunk.

The Alex Rodriguez: A Yankees outfit made with wads of cash, and must have an angel on one shoulder (Derek Jeter) and a devil on the other (Scott Boras). Possibly made out of paper mache. Also, subject must be willing to beg for attention the moment it shifts away.

The Kobe Bryant: Simple Lakers jersey constructed out of money will do, though subject most hold two basketballs at all times and never, ever allow others to hold them.

The Jon Kitna: See link.

I hope your Halloween was as hallowed as mine, with plenty of candy, liquor, spooky fun and sex. Toodles.