Don't be angry

Marv Blackstone
Editor-in-chief

I hate Boston.

Quick Marv background: I worked at the Boston Globe in one of my first jobs after graduate school at Columbia. Great staff, great newspaper. Terrible personnel policies. I did a lot of hanging with Bill Russell during that time and he told me all about the women with whom he slept (they loved the cackle. Also, his large penis.). I decided this would be good public information, so I wrote a tell-all column about it for the sports daily.

Well, my editor nixed the thing and said it was inappropriate for public consumption and for a "family newspaper." Well, sticking to my guns, I snuck my way into the pressroom right before print time and re-jiggered the front page of the newspaper so my column appeared intact. The next day, more than a million people learned of the time Bill Russell and Willie Naulls took on 18 New England women in one night.

Having done my public duty and informed the masses, I triumphantly reported to work wearing my favorite fedora and something resembling a smile. I was denied access to the building. I had been terminated.

Of course, I was fine with that. I packed my bags and left for a better place. That place was Lovell, Wyoming.

I hate Bostonians and their cocky attitudes. I hate their accents. I hate their shitty chowder. I hate the traffic. I hate Larry Bird. I hate their harbor. I hate their fake-tough Irish attitude. I hate Robert Frost. I hate "More Than a Feeling." I hate Ben Affleck.

But damn it, I don't hate that the Patriots are beating the hell out of the NFL. That game yesterday against the Redskins -- despite the irony of some patriots pissing all over a team from Washington, D.C. -- was amazing to watch.

Why kick a field goal when you're up 40 in the fourth quarter? Why not go for it on fourth down and score another touchdown? Everyone has their knickers in a bunch over this, but you'd love it if you were a Pats fan.

Plus, you'd do the same thing if you were playing Madden.

This is professional, smash-mouth, hardcore, tea-bagging, showboating football, you fucking crybabies. This isn't the infant retard league (IRL), where everyone needs to leave the game feeling good about themselves so they can find their lives worthwhile. They don't need to feel special. I'm sure the Redskins were fine. The players went home and drank champagne with beautiful women on piles of money and Joe Gibbs went home and put on his slippers and fell asleep during 60 Minutes.

I watch the NFL for entertainment. And the Patriots are entertaining. If I was concerned about etiquette, I wouldn't have fed 15 gallons of applesauce to a gander of geese and set them loose in the Globe's offices after they fired me.

If you want to root against the Pats, fine. If you want to wish injury on Tom Brady, fine. If you wish Bill Belichick to get hit by a MBTA bus, fine. But don't hate them for running up the score on your local football squad.

You can hate them for being from Boston though. I hate Boston.