NFL Power Rankings (?)

By Marv Blackstone
Editor-in-chief

Though I'm a grubby, old curmudgeon, I know that I have to adapt to the changing times. As I've previously stated, I miss the days when newspapers forced their readers to read in order to gain information. I know, I know. It's a crazy concept now. But people complained about reading and things changed.

And this is why Flotsam places such a great emphasis on reader feedback. We love to hear from you; we love to know what you think, feel, do with your ex-wife.

After all, caving in to the whims of readers is how journalism became the great institution it is today. Case in point: Long ago, newspaper articles were made up of words that were painstakingly glued onto a page, usually in long strips called "columns." Readers of newspapers, heralds and gazettes around America were forced to scan long blocks of text and process extensive reels of information and facts.

As American society progressed, people decided they hated this. Mounting complaints stated that discovering information about the world around them while using this method was, in fact, too cumbersome. Readers didn't have time to sit, read and process.

These readers began to stage riots. "No more text for information!" the protesters screamed. Reporters were shot dead in the streets and copy editors were forced, at gunpoint, to chop 35-inch stories about presidential elections into more accessible 7-inch breakout boxes. Statistically, the average American newspaper page made the transition from five stories per page to 16 stories, 27 breakout boxes, four multi-colored pie charts and at least one photo of a group of people holding a thing and smiling. Thanks to these reader-fueled advances, everyone from college professors to dyslexic five-year-olds can read and understand an American newspaper.

So, anyway. All of this is meant to tell you that I'm going to be occasionally writing NFL Power Rankings on this site. It's a mindless way to put out some content without actually analyzing anything or doing much work. I hope you love it to death.

I don't want to list all of the NFL teams because after so many, who cares? This week I am arbitrarily opting to list my top nine NFL teams. And that's because I don't want to give you --the dirty, ADD-riddled readers -- the satisfaction of getting a full top-10 list.

1. New England (6-0) How good are the Patriots? Oh, they're good all right.

What? Were you expecting more than that? These are power rankings!

2. Indianapolis (5-0) As good as the Pats' offense has been, Indy is very quietly playing great football. And for all the talk about how ugly Peyton Manning is, I don't understand why people think Tom Brady is so much more attractive. Racism, I expect.

3. Pittsburgh (4-1) They seem to be more relaxed now that they don't have to look at Bill Cowher's chin anymore. That thing would have me all riled up, too. And although few are talking about it, their defense looks like the best in the NFL.

4. Jacksonville (4-1) Their defensive line is filled with bulemics. That was supposed to say behemoths, but I wasn't paying attention. And now my backspace key doesn't work.

5. Dallas (5-1) I put them here just so I can see how far I make them fall during the season. I still think Tony Romo sucks and I still think their defense is a sieve.

6. Tampa Bay (4-2) Their defense appears to be back, and Ike Hilliard is relevant again! Also, Jeff Garcia is my favorite quarterback because he's old and scrappy and overachieving and I'm a sportswriter!

7. Baltimore (4-2) I'd move them up about 18 spots if Steve McNair weren't their quarterback.

8. Green Bay (5-1) I'm not buying it. I think this is the season Brett Favre gets something severely broken and we finally have to watch Aaron Rodgers, who has been sitting and waiting patiently for three seasons for the 49ers to draft him.

9. Tennessee (3-2) All Vince Young does is win. More accurately, all he does is win while sucking a lot, but not quite sucking bad enough to screw up the good play of his defense and great scheming by his coaching staff.

This was lots of fun. No one got hurt, and no one had to learn anything. I hope you're happy.