A point-point-counterpoint

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE ABOUT THE WORLD SERIES?

Well, everything. But also, the crisp October air in New York! And Boston! And WEATHER OR NOT, here comes the Boston Red Sox and their awesome seriously great pitcher Josh Beckett in game one Wednesday night!

I love the Rockies and what they've done, but bow to the American League juggernaut! MANNY IS ALWAYS BEING MANNY, and David Ortiz is still the clutchest baseball player ever and Jason Varitek is the catcher (which is why he wears that "C" on his jersey) but he's also the TEAM CAPTAIN! He's like Derek Jeter, except whiter and a catcher. But then there's Beckett who is what my black friend Will Smith would call a BAD, BAD MAN! He's like The Nasty Boys, except just one Nasty Boy. I wouldn't mess with Becks.

Did you see that X-girlfriend of his sing the National Anthem in Cleveland? She's smoking! That was the turning point of the ALCS.

Boston is just better in every facet of the game. They have more Manny, more hitting, more fielding, more baserunning, more Rookie of the Year candidates, more MVP candidates, more Cy Young candidates and a better manager. Terry Francona! He's like the architect from the Matrix. HE BUILT THIS CITY ON ROCK AND ROLL.

Plus, Boston has the tradition. They made the World Series a couple years ago and the Rockies have not. It's all about track record once you get to this point.


What is this deal with Burt taking a stance on something? I don't even know what to do with this.

What about the Rockies winning 21 of 22 games? What about Troy Tulowitzki's defense, which is tighter than Burt's mother on her wedding night? What about Matt Holliday, who's as good of a hitter as anyone on the Sox? What about the Boston outfielders trying to cover that gigantic pasture at Coors Field?

What about David Ortiz trying to play first base in the thin air, without the aid of an oxygen tank?

What about the Rockies really loving Jesus?


I don't know who loves Jesus more, but I do know that JOHNNY DAMON is Jesus and plays in the Boston outfield. Or used to. Manny is so laid back and awesome, and it's not the end of the world if he loses, but he's TOTALLY going to step up his game in the World Series! Did I mention which team has Josh Beckett and JONATHAN PAPELBON. What kind of dance will he come up with when they win the Series? It's going to be a RIOT!

But Marv has me thinking. The Rockies are pretty sweet too, with Matt Holliday (MVPMVPMVPMVP) leading the charge and the Canadian Dudley Do-Right JEFF FRANCIS with the left arm of God! Dudley Do-Right was that Canadian park ranger, right? The play in the thin air and are going to have lots of fans cheering in the TEN INCHES OF SNOW. Manny will be making snow angels and Troy Tulowitzki is going to totally hit liners down the line that just stop in the snow! It's going to be madness! Like Hurricane Katrina with snow!

I don't get it about my mom. Tight defense? Also, my mom was never married. ZING.

I can't decide who's going to win? THE RED SOX? THE ROCKIES? So many choices! TODD HELTON.

THERE'S ONLY ONE ROCKTOBER!


You know, Dane Cook is a cultural phenomenon that I don't understand. Apparently, he's a stand-up comedian, and pretty much all of those suck (except for David Cross, who I love like a son. In fact, he might be my son. There are lots of those floating around, and we do share quite a few common traits).

I did some research, and here are some choice Dane Cook quotes:

"One brother, five sisters ... dude, I'd have to wear a tampon just to fit in."

"I invite her back to my apartment, or as I call it, the 'Death Star.' I'm still working on it, it's not completely operational."

"You're with someone for like two weeks in and you're like, 'No way. I can't stand this person. I'll stay around for five or six years and we can end this thing violently. I got time."

"I was literally cheated on. I woke up and they were on top of me."

What the hell is this? Why would he feel the need to fit in with his sisters? The Death Star? And the last one is the worst play on words since that asshole who sent in ten puns to his newspaper, hoped to win, but no pun in ten did.

God damn it. God damn Dane Cook for bringing this up.

And he's not even one of those comedians where you need to hear his delivery for the jokes to really have an effect. In fact, I think that makes him worse. All he does is shout at me and writhe around on stage like an epileptic, functionally-retarded Joe Cocker with a tight-fitting graphic T-shirt. And now that he's on TV all the time, all he's doing now is shouting at me that there's only one October. Well, no shit. There's also only one March, and one June, and one Boxing Day (Canada).

Dane Cook sucks.

Also, since Glowing Green Burt switched his allegiances to the Rockies, they got their ass handed to them, 13-1, in Game 1.

What say you now, Burt?


DUSTIN PEDROIA! He's Eckstein with hair! RED SOX!