Jonny Dave's NASCAR Report

Jonny Dave Floyd
Southerner

Jonny Dave Floyd is a NASCAR fan from way back in the day. He enjoys a good corn dog, Little E, and a mostly clean pair of jorts. He’ll provide updates when his Internet works.

Hey, y’all. Jonny Dave here. I’ll be lettin’ ya know about all things ya need to know about NASCAR.

What’s my credentials, ya might be be askin’ yourself. Well, Momma always told me that if I’m sittin’ there askin’ myself somethin’, then I’m askin’ an idiot somethin’ and I should ask someone smart. I think she was speakin’ in strictly generality terms, I suppose. Time will tell. You can ask me about me, though. Actually, you don’t even have to ask. I’ll just tell ya.

I’ll have ya know that I been to upwards of 16 NASCAR races, most recently sufferin’ in person the unfortunate indignity of witnessin’ Jeff Gordon, the Rainbow WUSS, be victorious at the Bank of American 500, which ruined an otherwise glorious day. Momma always said that a day at a NASCAR race is better’n a day bein’ a danged fool somewhere else, ‘specially somewhere close to her. Agin, I think she was speakin’ in strictly generality terms there. Anyhoo, this bein’ the first piece and all, I thought I’d just give ya a few basics on what the deal is with NASCAR.

1. It’s gonna be a bunch of left turns. There’re some tracks with right turns, but they’s mainly in there to placate the foreigners. I don’t agree with that because the sport was predicated on the sweat of good, honest men runnin’ moonshine durin’ the Prohibition years. Look it up. I’m right. Most of ‘em don’t even pronounce their names the USA way. Its gotta be foreign-speak and that really chaps my behind.
2. The best car don’t always win. It’s all about luck, areo-dynamics, and clean air. I’m not really familiar with any of those things, ‘specially the clean air, what with my love of corn dogs and all. Momma said that if ya go around eatin’ corn dogs all the live-long day, then you’ll never get married and move out and your undies will always be stained. Agin, I’m pretty sure she’s speakin’ in generalities, but that one feels kinda pointed. Momma’s mean sometimes.
3. Pick a driver and support him for all your worth, even your worth ain’t much to speak of. Ya gotta git hats, shirts, shorts, windpants, socks, shoes, and sunglasses. All’a that. Ya GOTS to! It’s your duty as a fan. Them boys are bustin’ there butts and riskin’ there lives so you can spend a relaxin’ day at the racetrack losin’ your hearing and standin’ up and holdin’ up your hat with your driver’s number on it every single time they pass you by and pointin’ to it so everyone around ya knows who yer pullin’ for. The least ya can do is show ‘em how much ya care, even if you’re sittin’ at home and watchin’ it.

Anyway, that’s all for now until next time. If you can’t get to the track, then plop your happy tail there on your couch in front of the TV and enjoy the show. Before I go, here’s my pick to win this weekend.

JUNIOR! Junior…Junior…JUNIOR! WHOOOOOOO! Gobba geeba DOOO!

‘Til next time, y’all. Send questions or comments my way if ya got ‘em.

Jonny Dave