Flotsam - We'll tell you what to think: You call it: The BCS

By Brenda McDonald
High School Socialite

I have been Homecoming Queen each of the last three years.

I even won two years ago, when sophomores weren't eligible to win, but I still ran unopposed. I became an obvious choice so early, and nobody dared vote against me. Why would they? Like, everybody has a role in society, and mine is pretty obvious. I'm like the social chair of civilization. That Homecoming throne is where I belong. It's like, my destiny.

It kind of got old this year, walking down the track around the football field in the pouring rain the night before...ugh! Obviously, I made Bobby Sanderson loan me his coat and hold an umbrella for me, but still.

Anyway, the point of the story is that when you just, like, KNOW who's the best, why bother with a bunch of extras? If other people had been on the Homecoming Queen ballot, it like, would have been a real waste of paper to have an election and stuff, and I am so about saving the whales.

People are like, "There needs to be 16 teams to decide the national championship" and stuff like that. But that's ridiculous. At the end of the year, it's pretty clear who the best team is, and on top of it, they get a team to escort them around the track and loan them an umbrella and stuff. Enjoy your crowns, Ohio State! Don't forget to smile for pictures, and make SURE you go tanning.

By Harvey McGuffin
I remember when ...

I remember when the national champion was decided by far more accurate means than the damn BCS: people sitting around in a room with pencils and paper.

All this nonsense about computers telling me who the best two teams are makes my head spin. I can't even program a VCR, how am I supposed to know who my national champion is? Somewhere along the way, we forgot the values that make America great: opinions and subjective rankings systems.

Do you think if computers had been allowed to judge Torvill and Dean in their famous Olympic Ice Dance, that they would have gotten a perfect score? I'm sure the computer would have perceived some in-depth analytical flaw in Torvill's toe lift, knocking them down a fraction. Then, what would ice dance enthusiasts have to hold on to in the history of their sport?

What if computers had been allowed to weigh in on whether or not Franco Harris' Immaculate Reception was legal. You want science to interfere with faith? Nobody ever introduced the idea of computers choosing a field of 64 basketball teams. What the hell would Billy Packer and Dick Vitale complain about? I would lose my 20 favorite minutes in television each year if those two were just happy, having a picnic and sharing pictures of grandkids on selection Sunday, instead of bitching about the selection committee.

The national champion is clearly Georgia.

By Agatha Moonfry
Staff Writer

My absolute favorite thing in the world is survival of the fittest.

I bet Charles Darwin was handsome and entirely delicious. How else would he have arrived at such a charming concept? If, for example, you put a series of small rodents into an enclosed room with just a little bit of food, you find out about 10 days later which animal is strongest, occasionally peeking in through the small window on the back of the wooden shed to get updates. It's scientific, and it's edifying.

If you truly are the fittest, then your reward is endless gratification. Any man or woman can prove their superiority in a one-on-one challenge, no matter the stakes. But the real king of the jungle is the one who has conquered many assailants.

By turning its back on Charles Darwin, the BCS deserves scorn. And also, a mailing of those crazy comic-book leaflets handed out by the right-wing church.