Kenny is my kind of man

By Lynn DeBerg
Housewife

Kenny Williams is such a sweetheart.

For years, I've had to listen to my husband talk about how he'll get to things “eventually.” Once he saves enough money, then we'll finally move out of this two-bedroom shit farm and get a house in the suburbs. Once we’re through the winter and icy weather, then he'll finally fix the shingles on the roof. Once he gets over the fact that his cat, Tewksbury, was run over by the lawn mower, then he'll finally try to lose weight and quit smoking.

Hopefully, in the meantime, he doesn't realize how capable I've become with the lawn mower, but that's another matter. The bottom line is that he's always got some sort of long term goal on his plate. I just want things done now. Then, there are men like Kenny Williams.

Baseball people have this strange obsession with their minor league system. I don't understand it myself – I mean, nobody watches the Chattanooga Lookouts or Lexington Legends games unless they’re really bored. If for some reason all other channels were broken and the only thing I could watch was baseball, it would either be a Major League game or I would leave to go shopping. I would probably leave to go shopping anyway, unless the Yankees were playing. Derek Jeter. My lord, those abs.

So who cares if you have a bunch of talented 17-year-olds in the minors if they're not going to play for three years? It's like the long term weather forecast on Channel 4. I don't give a care what they think the weather will be like next Tuesday when it's Friday, and all I care about is whether or not my kid's soccer tournament is getting rained out the next day. That forecast is for four days from now! And almost certainly wrong.

Williams obviously shares my views, trading three of his best prospects for Nick Swisher. Sure, he’s sweaty, smelly, can't hit above .262 and had a terrible year last year, but I'd take the guy with Major League experience over some 22-year old guy named after a Geo, some guy with four names and a hotshot outfielder who has yet to do squat in the Majors. They're just prospects. Who cares what happens two or three years from now? The baseball players might just start whining and go on strike again, anyway, like those terrible screen writers. Enjoy today while you can.

I am so sick of hearing about a longterm plan. If things could just get done now, then the longterm plan would be unending happiness. The sooner we all realize this, the better.