I love Roger Clemens

By Dakota Brezinski
Seven-year-old

Now that I know my favoritest pitcher in the earth, Roger Clemens, is on the juice, I know what I can do to be just like him.

Daddy says drinking milk will make be big and powerful, and give me strong bones, but I don't like milk. It doesn't taste wonderful. Instead of the Daddy plan, I will drink more Pepsi. And steroids!!

I have always wanted to be exactly like Roger Clemens, because he is not afraid of anybody and can throw a baseball really hard. I tried looking like Roger Clemens when I threw a ball at Caitlin. She started crying and ran to Mommy. I told Mommy I was just trying to be like my hero! I said Caitlin is lucky I didn't throw a broken bat at her, instead. I got sent to my room.

Daddy says Roger is a dirty cheater, but everybody cheats. Tanner cheats at tag, by forming an alliance with Brian Donaldson. Brian trips me and Tanner tags me and calls no tagbacks. It's not fair. But that's life on the playground.

I have wasted too much time on vegetables and milk, and I am only having the juice now. I drink juice six times a day. I have to pee lots, and I think Mrs. Wilkes gets mad at me when I ask. But I have to go! And if I don't have my juice, I will not be like Roger Clemens. I will be like Adam Everett.

Steroids taste yummy. Tanner brought some to recess -- they came in a little plastic package and were all different colors. They even said they would make me smarter on the package, because they were called smarties. Tanner said the really good baseball players breathe them through their nose, so we tried that. It tickled so much! Then I passed out.

I love juice. I like banana-orange-cranberry-apple the best, even though they don't serve that in the cafeteria. Only apple. Do you think Roger Clemens likes apple juice? No. Roger likes banana-orange-cranberry-apple.

Someday, I am going to be a baseball player and go to the Hall of Fame and be on the juice, and little kids will want to be like me. If they don't want to be like me, I will throw a baseball at them!