It's a conspiracy

By Vern Beedle
Veteran

I've seen some things, man. Listen here to what I have to say.

Last night, I was in Baltimore and noticing things going down around the Patriots and Ravens game. Before the game, I was in the tunnel, and I tell you, I saw Roger Goodell himself standing there talking to Bill Belichick. I saw him. They were talking.

So I leaned in closer to listen to them and I heard what they were saying when they were talking. They were talking about how the plot to keep the Patriots undefeated was going to go down. Seems that Belichick was worried about the Ravens spoiling the party.

So he tells Goodell that he wants Ray Lewis dead. Goodell says he's been working on it and Belichick nods. He was pleased by what Roger had to say, I tell you. He was happy about it.

I was scared they were going to notice me spying on their conversation, so I dropped back into the shadows. Then things got kinda hazy. Belichick started talking about how Charles Barkley had a bet on the game, and he didn't want Charles to get upset. Roger said he knew all about the Barkley Plan, and he had things squared away with Ahmad Rashad and Matt Damon. Everything was in place.

They shook hands and walked off. The game started and the Ravens were hanging tough. At halftime, I headed back to the tunnel because I thought there might be another meeting. There was, and Belichick was angry that things were so close and the undefeated season was in danger. He told Goodell that the Hussein plan didn't include this loss. Then he told him that Google had put down too much money and had too much invested in the Barkley Plan for it to go wrong. Goodell said he had spoken with Tiger Woods during the game, and Tiger told him that everything would be taken care of. It was crazy stuff, I tell you.

After this, they called the refs over and whispered some things to them. I couldn't make it out, but I did see Belichick hand the head referee a small, brown purse. Then, a sheet of paper fell out of Belichick's pocket when they walked away. After they left, I captured it and read what it said.

The paper was written in Arabic, so I could only make out a bit of it. But from what I gathered, the Patriots undefeated season was based on the premise that the war in Iraq would end based on George Bush's ties to Texas. If the Patriots went undefeated, the troops would pull out and Tiger Woods would be named the President. It seems Barack Obama is merely a government ploy to get people comfortable with the idea of a black president. Then, in the final paragraph, it laid out plans for the Tiger-controlled government to merge with Iran and become a nuclear superpower that would take out all of Europe, so we could have access to their cathedrals. After we gain that control, we would snuff out all of the Catholics and use the cathedrals as bases for Charles Barkley to implement his new chain of sports bars.

I'm telling you, this is why the Patriots needed to stay undefeated, and why they had so many chances to win last night with all of those penalties and weird defensive holding calls. There's a reason those things happened! You have to listen to me! This is something that needs to be stopped. I'm telling all of you, send a letter to Google and order them to stop funding this project immediately. If you visit their website at www.google.com you can find out more about how to help stop this. They will only listen if 5 million people e-mail them. Without the funding, this can't happen.

Please. Help stop the Patriots from going undefeated. It will bring on a nuclear winter. Help now, I'm begging you. I've seen the future.