DeJuan's "Buy Shit" Shopper's Guide

DeJuan C3PO
Fly Scribe

Black Friday.

Dog, I just got goosebumps.

Bitches, there has never been a holiday more appropriately titled for DeJuan Charles Xavier C3P0. Every year, I get my freak on at department stores across this great nation in the early morning hours after Thanksgiving, giving wacko shoppers the business by shoving them out of my damn way. Dog, you can’t get deals like this just anytime. Down pillows and comforter set half-off at Bed Bath! I got all misty-eyed when I saw that shit.

The holiday season is upon us, and nobody appreciates some mistletoe, pine-scented candles, and a trio of ho’s like DeJuan. But there is a lot of shitty shit out there that you need not purchase for that fine someone, or your ma or whoever, not when it's overpriced and unworthly of the Christmas love. Keep it real with DeJuan’s buyer’s guide this holiday season.

Apparel: As you know, the DeJuan motto of “Less is more, unless you’re talking about moneys or honeys” applies here, but you can get some kick-ass bargains on sports jerseys. My favorite purchase was a Torii Hunter Minnesota Twins jersey for 10 bucks. Shit dog, I thought the security system was going to start buzzing while I walked out the door. I’m going to show that off while he’s making plays next year in the Metrodome.

Children’s Toys: All that shit from China is completely on bargain these days, so I highly recommend a Yi Jianlian figurine for that little guy or gal you may have spawned from your loins. If that don’t work, get a Tickle-Me-Elmo. Dog, kids ain’t picky. Get them whatever the hell the store has on sale. Unicorns and shit.

Tickets: DeJuan loves to be “Wicked,” considers himself “The Lion King” and loves “BroadWay,” but nobody wants to see no damn plays. Reminds me of that time I landed the lead role in Othello with the community theater posse. Apparently the snoots don’t appreciate a little remix to that death scene at the end. All I know is, the great Tupac would have appreciated me singing “I Wonder if Heaven Has A Ghetto” right after the Big O gives himself the business. Depressing shit. That was the last time I hit up a play, dog. Instead, get your honey some romantic tickets to see the NHL. That shit is hot!

Appliances: If you don’t already have a microwave, you probably don’t eat, so you’re probably dead. Do something original this time, pansies. Get DVR, so you can record episodes of Dancing With the Stars (Mel B, you’re my girl!), Bionic Woman and re-runs of American Gladiators.

Of course, if you haven’t already bought your shit on Black Friday, you’re screwed. Skip Christmas this year. Learn from your mistakes, dog.