Jonny Dave's NASCAR Report

Jonny Dave Floyd
Southerner

Jonny Dave Floyd is a currently self-unemployed freelance photographer living at home with his mother. He refuses to disclose his exact whereabouts for fear of “goverment” agents monitoring the Internet through Google searches.

Hey, y’all. NASCAR expertise man Jonny Dave here again with another report from the bowels of professional racing. Well, it’s the last race of the year and, barrin’ some crazy turn of events, it looks like the evil Jimmie Johnson is gonna be the champion. Personally, I can’t stand the guy, but it’d be better’n the alternative -- the Rainbow Wuss.

Momma’s happy, though. Jimmie Johnson’s her favorite driver. She thinks he’s the sexiest man since Billy Ray Cyrus. I tell Momma that she don’t know a thing about what makes a sexy man. I tell Momma that Jimmie Johnson is about as sexy as a vagina fart and that everyone knows that Junior is, hands down, the sexiest man in NASCAR and pretty much the world. He’s got better hair than Jimmie Johnson. He’s got better hands than Jimmie Johnson. And he’s got a better butt than Jimmie Johnson. Momma says that any man that feels that way about any other man probably wants to smoke more than cigarettes. I say that Little E’s piercing gaze and photogenic smile can make even the most hetero of sexual men address unspoken wants and needs permeating in the nethermost recesses of his jorts. Me and Momma are both speakin’ in strictly generality terms, of course.

My pick to win this weekend is none other than THE Ryan Newman. Why not Little E? Because Little E is gonna do the world a favor and take out Gordon and Johnson early in the race so we ain’t gotta watch those two flirt around the racetrack. Then we can all sit back and enjoy the race. I like to watch the race with a big ol’ mess o’ corn dogs in front of me. Momma knows just how I like ‘em, too -- deep fried and on a stick with a weenie in the middle. Put ‘em in your mouth and enjoy, y’all!

I’ll be back some other time with more NASCAR stuff. Y’all ain’t gettin’ rid of me just because the season’s over. Gobba geeba DOOO!