Why won't you die already?

By Harvey McGuffin
I remember when ...

When old people die, they usually go to hell.

But damn it, I was transfixed for three hours on Sunday, when the Green Bay Packers and Carolina Panthers met in AARP’s Game of the Year, featuring a 38-year-old Brett Favre and 80-year-old Vinny Testaverde. Never before have two quarterbacks been such old farts in an NFL game, and yet both showed why old people still have relevance in society.

It brought me back to my playing days, scrambling for first downs in the Lake Valley Pee-Wee League, leading my team to an exquisite 5-3 record during my eighth grade year. I was a force to be reckoned with on both sides of the ball, and I was in my prime. It’s all downhill after that, kids. First, you get cut from the team. Then you have children who disown you. Then, dentures. Finally, plague.

But what’s this? For once in my life, I felt free again, watching men who should be sleeping at 8 p.m. and considering Oprah Winfrey re-runs the most exciting part of the day. I observed Brett Favre sling three touchdowns and Vinny engineer a late comeback. There was even a play when Favre lined up at receiver, at which point an involuntary bowel movement interrupted my viewing pleasure.

Testaverde is a throwback to days of Tecmo Super Bowl, where the Tecmo cheerleaders and their bursting Tecmo boobies cheered amorously during 77-74 shootouts.

Brett Favre, meanwhile, makes me want to be a kid again. Which is probably why he needs to die. For a glorious moment –- when he found Donald Lee for the second time in the end zone -– my heart leaped from my chest and I leaped from my wheelchair. Now, I need another hip replacement surgery. Asshole.

Football quarterbacking is about being young, hip, and occasionally black, if you’re into that sort of thing. Old people are pushed aside to the curb, but not in this one game. For once, football was about being old, damn it. Older is wiser, stronger and smarter.

The orderlies are out to get me, you know. They know I’m affiliated with the Underground.