Zero to Could-Have-Been Hero

By Lynn DeBerg
Housewife

Aaron Rodgers, sweetheart, you were so adorable Thursday night. But not adorable enough. You obviously weren’t ready for your primetime close up.

I’m not saying you should expect Brett Favre to get hurt, since that grizzled dreamboat so seldom leaves games. But how long were you planning on tempting fate? When you were drafted, you were clean-cut, cute, maybe even attractive as you awkwardly tried to make a joke about how you were looking forward to battling for the starting job.

You were an All-American quarterback. All quarterbacks coming out of college are great-looking except Eli Manning, especially in those finely-tailored suits on draft day. But you must have gotten complacent waiting for that studly stud of a man to finally kick the bucket and give you your chance. You let yourself go.

Did you take up hunting or something in that Siberian wasteland of Wisconsin, trying to keep occupied while Favre took all the snaps? Did you join a naturalist commune? Obviously, something went horribly wrong. I still consider my neighbor Mary Mullen’s purchase of a green dress for the PTA fundraising gala to be the greatest fashion mistake of my reign as PTA president. But you are top five.

On the half-lit biggest stage in football, you came out with a half-beard/porn 'stache thing and a mullet. A mullet! Those are fine for white trash hockey moms or biker bitches, but no All-American white boy can afford such an egregious haircare mistake. You could have had women throwing themselves, and probably their bras, at your splendid feet after last night, but instead you left people begging to get Favre back on the screen.

You really could take a cue from Tony Romo. My god, that golden smile and the backwards cap! It reminds me of college when I was with Dusty VanLand, the quarterback of our national champion I-AA, non-scholarship football team. He would pick me up with those broad forearms, beam those gorgeous pearly whites, and take me up to his room where he would serenade me with Sinatra and then take off my clothes. Romo looks just like him. You can’t bag Carrie Underwood with a mullet, Aaron baby.

Get yourself ready for next week, Aaron, in case Brett and his southern charm are unavailable. Do you own a razor? Get some hair care product. For god sake, use something to bring out your cheekbones. And smile, all the time. Would it kill you to get a backwards cap?