Gimme some action

DeJuan C3PO
Fly Scribe

So check it. White people humor has always made me laugh my ass off, and it's Christmas time and shit, so I watched the movie "Elf" last week.

Shit dog, Will Ferrell is so damn funny. And Bob Newhart! He's like the Sidney Poitier of white people.

Anyway, I was watching in my hotel in Nashville, because lord knows if I go outside, I'm going to get attacked by a bunch of hillbillies with banjos and cowboy hats. Dog, they look all bumpkin and shit with their southern twang, but once they open their mouths and start strumming their guitars, it's like the damn end of the world. It's like someone -- possibly Marv Blackstone -- has just taken a screwdriver to my eyeballs.

I'm here for the winter meetings, but there was a whole lotta talk and not a lot of action, so I was getting bored. I hooked up with my broham Scott Rolen for some drinks and -- you're going to love this shit -- just to stir the pot, I told him that I overheard Tony LaRussa call him a cotton-headed ninny muggins.

Dog, I laugh my ass off anytime I hear someone say that, like my boy Will on Elf. Cotton-headed ninny muggins!

So Scott gets all pissy and shit, but I tell him to be cool. Later on, I see Tony and his hippy air cruising the streets, and I told him Rolen was looking for him. Said my boy S-Roll called the Hippy an "angry elf" and that he couldn't even recite the alphabet.

Shit, I have trouble with the damn alphabet too, so I don't know why that set Tony off. But the man went bonkers, and then started calling out Rolen in public. Nashville is a good time after all, dog. Good times.

What else did I do when I ventured out into the Nashville streets, equipped with ear plugs and some mace? I hung out with Jeffrey Loria and bought Kevin Gregg for five dollars and some cigars. Bitches, I have a closer! That's something the Milwaukee Brewers and Texas Rangers ain't got! Also, I put a whoopee cushion under Hank Steinbrenner's chair, and dog, that white boy needs a sense of humor. He thought the Minnesota Twins were behind it and got all huffy and stormed out, from what I hear.

Baseball is right around the corner, bitches.

Naw, that's a lie.