The best of the breast

DeJuan C3PO
Fly Scribe

Dog, I look lovely.

Fresh off my trip to Carolina to take in the Panthers-Cowboys game, I can't bring myself to take off my flowing blond wig and dainty No. 9 jersey so I could look like Jessica Simpson. That mama is fine. I hooked up with some cats from Carolina that were headed to the game, trying to be all distracting to Tony Romo with their Simpson attire, and I just had to play along.

So all day, while Marion Barbarian crushed himself some Panthers and the Cowboys helped themselves to home field advantage in the playoffs, I was acting all ditzy and shit to fit the part, talking about my man Tony Romo and singing "I Wanna Love You Forever" to anyone who would listen. Dog, say what you want about my vocal range, but I can hit those notes. I'm like Aaron Fucking Neville, except with a blond wig.

Can you believe that shit, people saying that shorty is a distraction to my boy Romo? Trust me, bitches. When you're getting play, especially from one of the finer pieces of tail engineered in the United States of American, you have never been more focused. When I was on tour in Los Angeles, I wasn't even my damn self until I got laid by the unquestionably gorgeous but questionably sane LaFonda Webster in the rafters of the concert venue. Pyrotechnics and getting jiggy have never been more appropriately interwoven. That shit was hot! Literally.

Problem isn't Jessica Simpson for Tony Romo. It's Terrell Owens and his front where he says she's all distracting, but he's really just damn jealous. He's like, "shit, I drop footballs thrown my way all the time, cuz I'm not getting me no Jessica Simpson." If he was getting action, he would not have rolled his ankle and sat out the second half. That shit doesn't happen when you got the lingering image of boobies on your brain. I have empirical proof.

I salute you, Tony Romo, and I salute your pop queen sweetheart. I just hope she got that "I'm a virgin until I get married" phase over with when she dumped Nick Lachey's ass. Cuz I don't want to see you have another bad game, dog, and since the entire 98 Degrees catalog was a shitfest, you know she was responsible for Nick's shortcomings. Don't let it happen to you. It's playoff time soon!