Your official guide to the NBA playoffs

By Bandwagon Burt
Wind sock

There is NOTHING that parallels the NBA playoffs ... it's the SECOND SEASON with the 16 best teams out there with the BEST DAMN ATHLETES on the face of the planetoid. I am officially taking the next six months off just to watch the NBA PLAYOFFS with my lawn chair parked squarely in front of the tv screen with my beer and my SUN CHIPS. I'm also taking off because I lost my job. Don't tell my WIFE!

So who's gonna win it all?! Burt knows!

Am I feeling in the East? The Bucks take on the Pistons in what's going to be the BEST FIRST ROUND SERIES EVER featuring a top seed and the eighth seed. G'day mate! The Bucks have Aussie Andrew Bogut and he's the man with the Outback plan and they also have Michael Color Me Redd! They don't really win many games though, and Detroit is the DEFENDING CHAMPIONS A COUPLE YEARS AGO! They have masked man Rip Hamilton -- he's like the Phantom of the Palace Opera oh my god that's such a good line! -- and they have The Wallace Brothers, who grew up blocking each others' shots and now they're really good. They also have coaching genius LARRY BROWN. Or did. Anyway, Pistons in four.

The Heat play the Bulls and oh my god D-Wade was on the cover of Men's Health a few weeks ago and I couldn't take my eyes off his cover shot, the man is RIPPED and he's a LEGEND. Have you seen him take it to the hole? AND THEY HAVE SHAQ. He is still a Diesel train and he's rapping and jamming and philosophizing and he's still the main man in Miami, except for D-Wade who is a STUD FORCE. The Bulls have Andres Nocioni, who is FOREIGN and they also have Ben Gordon and some other guys. But they're SO GOOD because last I checked, Michael Jordan's statue is still outside the United Center. D-WADE! Heat in four.

The Nets won 25 games in a row or something near the end of the year and Jason Kidd averages a quadruple double, so they're in good shape when they take on the Pacers. The Pacers have a lot of heart, though, because they're playing for the late great Reggie Miller. They also have Jermaine O'Neal and CORNROWS and no more Ron Artest, who was a distraction nightmare on Elm Street. RICHARD JEFFERSON! That man has all the tools to be the next NBA MVP. I like the Nets, but I love the Pacers. Nets in six.

LeBron! LeBron! LeBron! LeBron! LeBron! Did I forget LeBron? How can the Cavaliers not win it all with the chosen one the son of god the Cleveland Cavalry LeBron James? I'll tell you how -- because the Wizards are playing some damn good basketball, led by Gilbert Arenas Rock Music! OH MY GOD nobody has thought of that before and I love it. I can hear We Will Rock You right now. Buddy you're a young man make a big noise playing in the street gonna be a big man someday, you got mud on your face you big disgrace kickin your CAN ALL OVER THE PLACE SINGING...Cavs in seven!

Go West young man! You can't underestimate the presence of RON ARTEST to the Sacramento Kings this season ... he's turned the franchise around after a bunch of losing seasons in a row. Plus he averages like 3.5 steals per game! That's AWESOME. HAIL TO THE THIEF. Okay, I guess it's only 2.18 but that's still good. Plus, the Kings have Brad Miller and some really crazy owners. But they still have to play the Spurs and Tim Duncan, who is like a quiet four-star general in an army of San Antonio marines, and they did win it all last year. Damn, though, Greggy Popovich is UGLY. They'll lose at least once because of that. Spurs in five.

Do you think Joe Thornton or Jaromir Jagr should be the NHL MVP? Oh my god! PSYCH.

The Suns have The Great Canadian Hippy running the offense and everyone on that team is an instant star! They have a guy named Boris and Raja and Shawn -- It's like a LEAGUE OF NATIONS! -- and the Shawn guy is pretty good. Did you know they call Shawn Marion the Matrix! Whoa (said like Keanu Reeves in the MATRIX), I know kung fu! But Steve Nash, that hippy, is the BEST. I can't understand you, you're speaking in Canada! But this is quietly the best matchup in all of the playoffs, because the Lakers' Kobe Bryant will be a better player than Jordan, Marc Jackson tells me so. I don't know who to PICK!! Tie.

How good is George Karl? He has made the Sonics into a playoff team, the Bucks and now the Nuggets, and then he leaves them in the dust when he's done! He's like my first girlfriend in college! She was good, though. Carmelo Anthony is kinda lazy, but he's soooooo smooth with that headband and that shot and Kenyon Martin is K-MART Blue Light Special in the lane. The Clippers though, they're hungry, they're out to show once and for all that they are THE TEAM in Los Angeles. They have Sam Cassell, who is the ALIEN and have you seen that man dish the rock? He does, sometimes. Tough, tough, tough call, but I'm going with UPSET MADNESS and taking the Clips in seven.

Pau Gasol is FOREIGN. Dirk Nowitzki is FOREIGN. They'll put their European Superpowers to the test when the Grizzzzzzz take on the Mavvvvvs in the final meeting of the first round. How can you not love these two guys? Moreover, how can you not love the Mavericks, because the Grizzlies have never won a playoff game! They're 0-for-FOR-EVAH! And wise people tell you that you cannot turn your back on history, but I will because I'm a betting man. I say, Grizzlies in seven!

I can't wait for the playoffs! Let's go N-B-A!