Now I ain't sayin' you a gold digger, you got needs

By Lynn DeBerg
Housewife

As I stand in front of my mirror, naked, I think to myself: I am WAY better looking than Anna Benson. That slutty mcslut slut slut might be willing to take off her clothes to appease her ballplaying husband or his teammates or ... anyone willing to pay attention, but she's far from the hottest gold digger in the Major Leagues.

WAY better looking than Anna Benson. Better hair, better skin. Perkier breasts. And if my husband doesn't agree, I'm going to withhold sex for a month. And unplug his Internet connection.

Now I hear that ball-playing-and-handling bimbo is getting divorced from Kris Benson, newly traded to the Baltimore Orioles. After he was traded from the Mets partially because she was a distraction (probably complaining that there weren't enough men on the Mets who understood the phrase "hummer" in English), Kris must have decided it wasn't working out.

And to think this is in NEW YORK, where the best basketball player in town is named Starbury. I also think that's the name of the cartoon bunny on my son's cereal box.

So now Kris is pitching in Baltimore, which was the worst family vacation we ever took (My husband just HAD to see Camden Yards. I should have married that young, horny psych professor instead. HE would have said I'm a level of hotness beyond Anna Benson). I would feel terrible for him, except he's the one that married the stripper in the first place. Stupid ballplayers. Maybe if they played a more complicated game, like figure skating, they'd be smarter and inclined to make better decisions.

God I have gorgeous eyes. And I think the adjective "perky" was INVENTED for these breasts.

Anna Benson, your husband isn't even that famous, so what the hell are you doing being popular? I have a sneaking suspicion that she's going to play homewrecker and end up married to someone on a bigger team (Johnny Damon may have once looked like Jesus, but I hear he wouldn't have passed the "Last Temptation of Christ" test) and then she's going to be even MORE popular. WIth those awful teeth!

I should have married a ballplayer. Why didn't I marry a damn BALLPLAYER?