No, you may not have fruit snacks before noon

By Lynn DeBerg
Housewife

Everyone in college basketball is awfully huffy and puffy about the situation in Bloomington, Ind., which, I might add, has the nicest strip mall anywhere in the Midwest. Mike Davis, who cries more than my son did when he was two, is leaving, and everyone wants dreamy, borderline steamy Steve Alford to assume the head coaching role.

I don't understand why colleges want people who did their undergrad work (or didn't do their undergrad work and flunked out because they were too busy playing basketball and sleeping with co-eds) at the same place. Perhaps this will allow the coach to more easily find the gym from the halways of the athletics complex, and I suppose that's a big deal. Plus, he'll already know some of the math and science teachers so he can establish a solid relationship when it comes time to adjust transcripts every semester.

The problem in this case: Steve Alford hasn't even been as successful of a coach as Mike Davis has, in the same league. That's like someone settling for a beautiful dress in the wrong size because it happens to be in stock at the local, familiar JCPenney, when the JCPenney across town has the same dress in your size. You know it's your size because you've tried it on before, but it just isn't available at the local vendor. Of course, none of that takes into account the fact that Cyndi Lewis two houses down might buy the exact same dress and wear it to the same PTA meeting as you because she is an atrocious, city-renowned harlot.

If the school is so dead-set on someone from Indiana University, why don't they hire someone with more success?

For example: Mark Cuban is a successful NBA owner and IU grad, and he's sort of good looking in an impossibly rich, slightly older man sort of way. Mark Spitz won many gold medals as an Olympic swimmer. Dick Enberg is an adorable old man. Kevin Kline has won Academy Awards. Raju Narisetti is the managing editor for the Wall Street Journal's Europe edition. Jane Pauley is good at what she does.

All these people graduated from the illustrious Indiana University, and all of them have the success to lead the program in the right direction. I have to think Robert Vaden would stay on board if someone like Dick Enberg was cracking the whip in practice. Mark Cuban would not only make the program more successful, but he would probably throw chairs at the ref -- which is, let's face it, exactly what Indiana wants. He's rich! He doesn't need to worry about fines. He would probably arrange for a "bring a chair to throw at the ref" night at a home game.

Also, it just seems silly that Steve Alford would want to leave Iowa, since the people there all seem really happy. I know this after watching the Windbrook High School performance of "State Fair," when they sang that nice little ditty "All I Owe Ioway." It must be a nice place. I hear the city "Davenport," and I just think comfort.

On the other hand, I hear "Indiana" and think "vast, impenetrable wasteland." So, there is that.