My nose is crinkled, for something is powerful stanky here

By DeJuan C3PO
Embedded Journalist

Chad Hedrick handled this shit all wrong.

First of all, he picked a fight with the first brother to ever win an individual gold medal in the Winter Olympics, which is just damn wack-a-roo. Yo, if you're in a country full of white people, don't you think the one black man is going to have the biggest posse in the place? Fo sho. And Chad, not exactly winning points by being from Texas and all, is probably going to get the B.I.G. treatment in a hurry if you know what I'm saying. And no, I don't mean inflated to 350 pounds.

Second of all, if you want to go down into history, you've got to handle the feuding thing with class. You hire your ex-husband to club the other guy in the kneecap. You get the guy screaming "Why? Why? Why?" on the ground. You make up an alibi. You go DOWN IN OLYMPIC HISTORY. You hit up Oprah. You do celebrity boxing shows and shit. You never have to do real work forever. And dog, that is the American dream.

This had all the makings of a new Tanya-Nancy, with Chad all pissy because my man Shani didn't want to hang in the team pursuit event because he wanted to get jacked for his individual 1,000K. So they go toe to toe in this 1,500 today for like all the damn marbles and everybody's all like "Damn, who's gonna win and get to sleep with more bitches in the after hours?"

And the answer is Enrico Fabris. He's named after that shit you spray on clothes and carpeting when there's stank. And dog, this has stank all over it.

This was supposed to be America's 1-2 punch, but it was just a matter of which homie was one and which ugly Texan was two. Instead, they're just also-rans while Febreeze gets to make the place smell like Mystic Rain and they get to play the hometown anthem. Man, what a waste. If neither one was going to win, then there has to be some kind of violent outburst, cuz now everybody is gonna forget that there even was a feud. Cuz nobody really won.

Oksana Baiul won the figure skating gold in the 1996 Olympics, by the way. That girl knew how to PAR-TAY, by the way, but nobody remembers her. They remember Tanya trying to kill Nancy. Man, that shit was drama. This has as much drama as the 2002 MLB All-Star Game.

Of course, my boy Shani knew how to go out graciously and shit, smiling and playfully ruffling some Italian hair (dog, static electricity!) on the podium while crybaby Chad takes off his skates and looks all frumpy. Step off, dude, you're no Eric Heiden, the pride and joy of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Home of the 2002 All-Star game. Dude, that's more than a coincidence, that's like destiny.

Alright, enough of that, I'm heading back into my ice dancing-induced coma. Wake me up for the closing ceremonies.