Spectaculagrandolicious, bitch!

By DeJuan C3PO
Embedded Journalist

Man, those Opening Ceremonies were the truth. I gotta tell you, the experience in Italy has already been one of the most rewarding, electrificating experiences I ever had, y'all, and we haven't even gotten to the crazy shit like Nordic Combined or Bode Miller setting world records on the booze. From my view, those Opening Ceremonies were the most beautiful of all time and shit.

Thank god I wasn't out there in the cold with all those fools, though. Nah, I was sittin' tight at a local establishment drinking some brews and watching the action on HDTV (which I didn't think you could find in third world countries, but even though they don't speak English here, I'm starting to think they ain't so bad). Plus, they even got the NBA on the other TVs, and I was catching the Nuggets and the Mavs in pristine crystal clear clarity. It was like being in America. The name of the joint was "Buffalo Wild Wings." I love this Italian cuisine, dog.

Anyway, the highlights of the ceremonies were definitely Pavarotti at the end (not that I could hear his fat ass singing the tunes cuz the sound was on mute) and Yoko Ono telling everyone, probably, to give peace a chance. Man, I've been saying that for years. Good one, Yoko Ono.

Wait hold that shit, is Yoko Ono from Italy? Is she related to that Apollo Creed guy who does speedskating? Who the hell invited her? Didn't the news travel to the third world countries yet that John Lennon and the Beatles are dead because of her? Someone should let me know. But not me, not while Carmelo is doing his thing on the neighboring TV.

Dog, did you see those speedskaters in red body suits while their hair was on fire? That shit happened to me after a show in Jersey when our pyrotechnics dude -- his name was Bob Sparks, now that shit is funny -- set a fuse off wrong or something and my dreads caught the blaze. Man, that was tight! I went into a coma, but you can't buy that kind of street cred.

How about those people doing Crouching Tiger, Hidden Olympian on those ropes and then all coming together to make the Bat Signal near the end? I think Batman is from Italy or something. And then the TORCH, which I would have seen lit but K-Mart was throwing down a mad dunk at the time. I know it was crazy cool though cuz damn, every year the next country tries to tell the one before that they can light a torch way better than you can. It's like a pissing contest. With fire. Shit, that sounds like a good time.

Anyway, the games start tomorrow, which is hella exciting. Stay tuned.