Will someone please answer that damn phone!?!

By Lynn DeBerg
Housewife

I normally don’t feel the need to chastise a player for his off-the-field behavior, but I made my son throw away his Ben Roethlisberger jersey this week.

The reason? Mr. Roethlisberger made some terrible life choices in the weeks leading up to the Super Bowl, namely getting drunk with some local hussies and getting his photograph taken to prove it. Here we see him pouring a bottle of liquor down a young lady’s throat and smiling with a look of pure stupor on his face while wearing a T-shirt that proclaims "Drink Like A Champion Today."

I’m not angry that Ben was drinking, as I know all young, rich, famous athletes must like to do now and again, followed by occasional drug use and the occasional orgy. But I look at these pictures and I can’t help but think ... why is Ben Roethlisberger partying with such ho’s?

First of all, judging by the low ceiling, I’d say Ben is in a basement somewhere. Some sorority chicks were doubtlessly throwing their annual foam philanthropy event, and Ben just had to be there, hanging out with ... unattractive women! I know for a fact I’m better looking than most of them, and I could find three better-looking options at the local Fashion Bug.

Remember how you’re about to quarterback a team into the Super Bowl? You should be partying in massive clubs where only the rich and famous are allowed admittance, and all the women have passed a rigorous 12-point screening exam that judges them based on hotness and character (by "character," I mean "capabilities").

Secondly, your T-shirt is appalling. You’re not a college dropout, you’re a Super Bowl quarterback. Your shirt should say something hilarious, perhaps tailored to your specific exploits (I’d even settle for "Want To Find Out Why They Call Me Big Ben?") and nothing so generic as "Drink Like A Champion Today And By The Way I Bought This Shirt In The Clearance Section At Kohl’s." You’re such a disappointment. How can I expect you to be a role model for my children?

You could learn something from your fellow quarterbacks. Look at Eli Manning, drunk off his patoot, but dressed in a somewhat classy fashion and hanging on the arm of a gorgeous looking blonde who makes your women look like sea urchins. Sigh. I used to have skin like that.

Even Kyle Orton, who has no talent, found some semi-attractive option to be near while at a bar in September. Hmm ... maybe we should avoid using Kyle as an example after all.

Look, Ben, I’m going to make a couple calls. I still have some girlfriends who live near my old campus, and I’m sure they can find you some nice, hot beauties that you can take out to eat, have a couple drinks with, and then maybe step behind center if you’re a gentleman before heading home. I just can’t bear the thought of someone in your position bringing yourself down to such a level as you have ... how are you supposed to be World Champion if you can’t even be champion of choosing the right accessories?