The best Super Bowl EVER!

By Bandwagon Burt
Wind sock

Get out the nachos! The pizza! The football squares thing at work (I HAVE SEVEN AND THREE!!)! The commercial-watching! The spectacular halftime spectacular that’s spectacular! It’s SUPER BOWL XTRA-LARGE STYLE.

Wow, I’m psyched. Seriously. This could be the greatest Super Bowl of all-time, given that it’s like David against Goliath. The Steelers, the Curtain, the Bradshaw-to-Swan and the Immaculate Reception and the spitting head coach and the fierce and rough and tumble Bubby Brister all bringing us to present day vs. a team that’s never been there before, the Hawks from the SEA. Awwww yeah I’m turned on. The heartthrob against the bald guy, the MVP against the Wheels on the Bus Bus Bus, Steve Hutchinson against Clark Haggans!

First of all, these are the teams I wanted there in the first place. I said to everyone, right after the brackets came out, watch out for the Steelers, I really think they can win three games in a row on the road and make history and they did and I have a terrible towel or whatever they’re called in my basement for the big game! On the other hand, you’ve got Mike Holmgren, ten years after he leads the Pack to the promised tundra, with a new gunslinger and a new team and fifty more pounds! They were definitely my pick to win the NFC, and then I had the Panthers and Redskins and Bears. And in the AFC, I was pretty sure it was gonna be the Broncos if it wasn’t the Steel, and maybe the Colts. STEEL CITY STEELERS.

Let’s talk defenses. TROY POLAMALU has hair that could make a grown man cry. I don’t know why. I’m growing out a Super Bowl haircut to honor Troy Polamalu, I’m going to have flowing locks by the time the big game rolls around. The man flies all over the field, literally, like Flash Gordon or Batman or Dracula or something! You know what they say ... once you go Samoan, you never go black. But on the other side, you have another USC alum (the TROJANS, who I loved before this year ... best team in the NATION last year, I wrote Pete Carroll and he sent me an autographed picture of me that I sent) in Lofa Tatupu. Oh my god! USC once had a Polamalu and a Tatupu on the same team. THAT’S SO SAMOAN! They’re going to be fierce when they face each other on the field. You know, through transference or whatever cuz both defenses aren’t on the field at the same time. I’m cheering for DEFENSE all the way, it’s going to be a 13-3 game.

But who wins? The HAWKS FROM SEA, of course, they’re like way too fantastic to miss out. Hasselbeck to Alexander or Jerramy Stevens or Darrell Jackson up the middle for a touchdown and then two field goals by their kicker Jeff something and then the other Jeff something gets one for the Steelers because LOFA TATUPU is too impossible to stop. Awww it’s gonna be the most exciting ever. I’ll be at West Side’s if you’re out there, cheering for the HAWKS FROM SEA and sometimes the Steel Curtain, baby. The Super Bowl is right around the corner and I’m ready to rumble!!!!!!