I don't feel very sparkly today

By Curtis Woodward
Fabulous

It’s a sad day here, jellybeans. And I feel like I should just lay it out there on the line for you. For Curtis is sad today because he has lost a friend. His best friend, one could even say.

Rubies, my cat, is dead.

Woe is me! *sob*

On Sunday, while I was watching that little powder keg Steve Smith play his tootsie off against the Bears, I was playing with Rubies on the carpet. Rubies and I would always roll around on the carpet and giggle together, just sharing in our friendship. Of course the other cats in the house (Jangles, Beatrice, Bumblebee, Harry, Kiwi and Roy G. Biv) would all get jealous of the attention Rubies got, but I didn’t care. He was my favoritest.

So, after we were playing with some toys, he made a beeline for the door and meowed and scratched at it, wanting to go outside. So I cracked open the door and he slunk out, all cute-like, and then loped through the front yard, across the sidewalk, leaped over the flower beds by the street, sidestepped a trash can and was then immediately drilled by a 2004 Dodge Ram. All I saw was a puff of white fur.

Well, you can only imagine the state I was in. This, of course, coming just a day after Thomas Brady was knocked from the playoffs. I tried everything to feel better. I made up a special-occasion quiche for myself; I had Ben and Jerry’s ice cream straight from the tub; I took four bubble baths in one day; I even tried to watch Notting Hill, but not even Hugh Grant’s befuddling charm could cheer me up.

So I write to you all as a sad man. A sad man wearing red sweatpants.

But I have a job to do, and Rubies would have wanted me to do it. So here are my picks for this week’s upcoming NFL games.

Carolina at Seattle
Isn’t Clinton Portis funny? He always dresses up like wacky characters during his press conferences and entertains the media. He’s a very funny guy. Did you see the time he dressed up like George Clinton from the P Funk All Stars? I have that album! I get down to it every now and then when I feel like dancing in my living room. But that was very hilarious, Mr. Portis. Then a few weeks ago, he dressed up as a coach named Janky Spanky! And he wore little tight shorts that showed off those big, powerful, strong thighs of his. I could have just melted, and I guess I sort of did. Thank you, Clinton for making my day.

And what does Clinton Portis have to do with this game? Well, actually nothing. But I didn’t want to write about Jake Delhomme, because I think he’s a slut.
Carolina 24, Seattle 14

Pittsburgh at Denver
I just don’t know what to make of this game. It will feature an obese running back, a safety with craaaazy hair, two quarterbacks with beards (Curtis is not a fan of beards, people. I hate the scratchiness), a man named Ashley and a coach who apparently spits all the time. Sissy.
Denver 17, Pittsburgh 13