Hey everyone, come see how smart I am

By Skip Bayless
Observational Genius

January 13, 2006
Vince Young is the next Michael Jordan. Don’t believe me? Why don’t you go download yourself a copy of the Rose Bowl on iTunes and get back to me. The man’s equal parts Randall Cunningham, Joe Montana, Michael Vick and Red Grange. He is the alpha and the omega. A guaranteed hall-of-famer. If the Texans don’t select him No. 1 overall, they will never, EVER forget it.

June 18, 1984
Everyone knows about Houston’s super stud center, Akeem Olajuwon, but does anyone really know who the real deal is in this year’s NBA draft?

I do. And I have to tell you, it will be a shame-of-the-century moment if the Rockets don’t select the masterful Samuel Paul Bowie with the first pick.

Have you seen Bowie play? If you’ve got a pulse and you enjoy basketball, you probably should. Bum legs notwithstanding, Bowie is undoubtedly one of the finest basketball products of the Keystone State. A consensus first-team All-America selection in 1981, Bowie has time and again displayed the kind of court vision and savvy you’d expect to find in a point guard, not in a 7-foot-1 center.

Houston management would be foolish not to take this combination of size and smarts and pure athletic prowess with the first pick. This is a Hall-of-Fame-caliber player we’re talking about here. It’s all about Bowie, and if Houston management liked the production of a fella named Bill Walton (who was drafted by Portland, who just happens to have the second pick), they’d do well to make sure Sam’s number 31 is hanging in the rafters someday. Just get some BenGay or something for those legs. He’ll be fine. I promise.

June 16, 1976
I’m so tired of hearing about how great Michael Jackson is. All these years he’s been the "front man" for the Jackson 5 (excuse me, The Jacksons; sorry Motown Records), but anyone who knows anything about music will tell you the real talent in the family has been Jermaine.

Since JoJo (as I call him) left the kids behind to start a solo career with Motown, he’s already got one hit under his belt – the sublime 1972 cover of Shep and the Limelites’ "Daddy’s Home." And I can guarantee that under the steady tutelage of Motown boss Berry Gordy (whose daughter Jermaine married; way to go, JoJo! That’s called career security!), Jermaine will continue to chart huge hits and make everyone forget about all those other squeaky clean Jackson kids.

June 24, 1876
I don’t know much about war, but I do know this: If the glorious American army doesn’t emerge from Little Bighorn victorious over the savages of the Lakota and Northern Cheyenne, I’ll eat my hat. This leathery one here, festooned with feathers off the headdresses of Injuns who’ve fallen before the army of these United States.

By now I’m sure everyone’s familiar with E.C. Watkins’ report of 9 November, Eighteen hundred and seventy-five, in which the Indian Inspector declared the hostile intentions of Sitting Bull and Crazy Horse and their band of brutes. But what the inferior Indian cabal didn’t bet on when it incited the mighty fury of this vengeful nation was the vastly superior firepower of Lt. Col. George Custer’s cavalry and the brilliant strategy of Major Marcus Reno and Brig. Gen. Alfred Terry, who will be on the scene to steer these American heroes into the breach.

And I have it on good authority that the bluffs and geographic makeup of the area surrounding the Little Bighorn River plays directly into the hands of the American army. All the 7th Cavalry will have to do is crest a hill here, flank some Redskins there, and this thing will be a done deal. You can bank on it.

August, 480 BC
History will look kindly on the Persians.

This weekend, the Persian army, as willed by His Magnificent Majesty, King Xerxes I, will storm right into Sparta through Thermopylae. How do I know this? The Persian army is five million strong. It drinks rivers. It eats cities. It’s going to out-maneuver and out muscle whatever puny resistance the Greeks can put up.

Scouts say there are a couple hundred Spartans doing naked calisthenics and combing each other’s hair in the mountain pass they’ve selected for the "battle." And these are warriors? I don’t mean to sound homophobic or anything, but how are the Spartans even going to raise their swords? They’re too busy doing nude jumping jacks and sniffing each other’s scalps. Maybe they’ll want to do makeovers on the Persian soldiers. I don’t know; I’m not a Spartan general. But look for the Persians to win big and solidify their dominance in the greater Aegean. I’ll be supremely surprised if the Spartans provide even as much resistance as a warm summer breeze.