Buona sera, la femmina erotica

By DeJuan C3PO
Embedded Journalist

Dog, I got bitchin news! The IOCFDAFEMA or whatever the hell just announced this week that there would be no drug raids in the Olympic village. Ain't NOBODY getting tested for drugs up in here, which is damn good news if you're me or if you're on the U.S. snowboarding team. Yesterday we partied it up together in the basement of that Shaun kid with red hair. That man can shred. He cannot rap however, despite his best efforts after the jazz made it around the circle.

Speaking of jazz: The Italian cats and dogs do NOT listen to normal music around here. They ain't even heard of Dr.Dre. I tried to tell a few of them I was laid back with my mind on my money and my money on my mind, and they looked at me like I was bananas. It's probably because they also didn't speak English. Or, they don't know nothing about no dough cuz everybody here is an amateur.

Except the hockey teams. Y'all, I got myself EXCLUSIVE passes to this shootaround for the U.S. hockey team, although it turns out the practice was open to the public. I got scammed, homie. But I watched that team practice and I gotta tell you, I know zilch about winter sports, but that team is hella bad. Their two captains -- Chris Chelios and Derian Hatcher -- are a combined 79 years old and both of them were 10-time all-stars by the time a younger version of DeJuan played NHL Hockey on the Sega Genesis.

Yeah, what of it? I played video game hockey once or twice. It was a phase, dog. Don't tell me you didn't have phases growing up, like wearing women's clothes now and again. That shit happens.

So anyway, I haven't heard of many folks in the NHL, but I have no idea how the hell the U.S. team is gonna contend with the Canadians. They've got free health care and shit. And also, some talent when it comes to hockey. The U.S. team is relying on some guy named Rick DiPietro? That dude sounds square.

Anyway, I hear my new bros calling me back to the hood, so I'm out. But check back for some mad coverage of the big Olympic events, like figure skating and such. Peace.