Love is but a song we sing, hear a way we die

By Agatha Moonfry
Staff Writer

It takes a man to admit he's wrong, although my venomous hatred of him will never dissolve. When Brad says he's just friends with that hideous Donna Birdsong from work, then admits he's had a ravenous affair with her and he's sorry, it shows a certain amount of poise. And poison for that matter, which I kindly delivered into his morning cereal.

Still, you have to respect the ACC for stepping up and saying, hey you know what? The refs blew it -- similar to the way Dick Vitale blows it in regards to Mike Kzryzewski every single week. I'm a lady and I didn't mean that.

The refs called a double technical in a Duke-Florida State game where just one technical should have been called -- one on Shelden Williams when he gave Florida State's Alexander Johnson a bump in the second half of the teams' game last week. Johnson was backing away, but the refs love to please those maniacal little demons from hell that call themselves the Cameron Crazies, and they decided to call a foul on both. Johnson fouls out with nearly 9:23 to go and Duke wins in overtime. Those stupid bitches.

It tickles me that a sports body, usually the most staunch of stubborn sluts, admits they're wrong. Still, there are many other socially-recognized mishaps that I demand an apology for:

1. Jefferson Starship. We built this city on Death and Despair. How can Grace Slick, perhaps the greatest woman ever to live since Mary Magdaline, allow something so vile and disgusting to happen to Jefferson Airplane? Go ask Alice. I know what Alice would say ... "That bitch sold out."

2. The St. Anger Album by Metallica. You can pretend you're just unleashing your uncensored new direction on the world, but I know the truth...you hit writer's block and thought you could make up for it by screaming incoherently. Rehab programs had something to do with this.

3. The de-legalization of mushrooms. I mean, marijuana.

4. The BCS. I don't think we can ever declare this country to be the finest in the land until our national college football champion is determined by playoff format. I know for a fact that is how they determine their champion in other countries. I've had a lot to drink today.

5. Televised Poker. Now that we've found a way to make the most sedentary of activities into a worldwide phenomonon, my new boyfriend Butch is determined to auction off everything he owns, and my entire collection of Alice Cooper-sponsored sex toys, to finance his new habit.

6. The movie "Vanilla Sky." I would have never gotten that idea to drive my car off a bridge with Brad trapped in the passenger seat if it weren't for that movie. And Tom Cruise was just terrible.

Until these wrongs can be accounted for, I accept the ACC's apology and look forward to the day that brings us fairly-called college basketball games, the return of Airplane and the revocation of Brad's restraining order.