Now just hold up, all right? Hold up.

By DeJuan C3PO
Embedded Journalist

Sometimes I wake up late at night with like this vision, usually in the form of a rap lyric, and last night was one of those times. Sometimes dreams are sort of hard to remember, so this shit is rough around the edges, but this is what the voices in my head were laying down:

Zhang and Zhang, falling with a bang
Leaving the ice but blingin it, dang
Silver, but stopping the show in the middle?
(Dog, I don’t remember the last line, but it was tight)

So yeah, I know it’s been a couple days, but I think this vision was telling me that I was missing something, that I wasn’t really thinking hard enough about that figure skating throwdown a few days back. Probably because figure skating is brutal with a capital Bru. But also because I’ve been busy lately. Dude, you think the hashpipe crew is just gonna party for one day after winning four medals? You think DeJuan is gonna be the one to go home early? Does DeJuan LOOK like Michelle Kwan? That Kwan-kw-kw-kw-kwan.

First of all, ain’t nothing but problems when you work with somebody that has the same first name. Zhang Hao and Zhang Dan…damn, that sounds like a bitching new act on the L.A. stage, but still, you don’t want that same first name garbage. At some point, there’s gonna be a debate as to which Zhang is the better Zhang. And dog, if I had to choose between them, I don’t know which one I’d choose. But there would probably have to be a fight to the death.

Anyway, Dan (who is the lady of the pair, I can’t make that shit up) was doing this big ass Sow Cow with like 12 flips in the air or something and then fell on her face and everybody was like, damn. But not me, homie, I was clapping my hands, cuz ain’t nobody going to tell me that when those little dancing divas fall down that it ain’t entertaining. It’s like NASCAR, I don’t watch that shit for the circle action ... I watch it for the fiery crashes. Too bad there ain’t no fiery crashes in figure skating. Yet.

Whoa, did I say I watch NASCAR? Obviously I meant MTV Cribs. Step off.

So they stop their mad action figure skating, bail off the ice to get some herbal tea or whatever it is those figure skating folks enjoy and then come back and they actually get the silver medal! Look, I don’t know jack about figure skating and technical jazz and loop-de-loops and Triple Axl Roses or whatever, but I know one thing: you can’t win the damn game if you stop in the middle.

Figure skating doesn’t have any timeouts, dog. That would be like Erick Dampier getting to stop the action when he sees Shaq going up for a dunk. That would be like Barry taking a mulligan when he sees the pitch is a curveball. That would be like Tiger saying "Oh, shit, that drive definitely looks like it’s going into that retention pond off to the right, I better just pause the action right here." Dog, real life ain’t TiVo. And dog, quit looking at me like you don’t think I know some shit about golf.

So what are they handing out bling to the Zhang twins for? You can’t pull that crap and still get to bring home the bacon. I want a recount or something, and I don’t care how inspirational it is when you fall into a wall and get back up without needing to be carried off on a gurney. It’s not like they overcame some crazy ass degenerative disease or whatever. How come nobody got angry about this shit? I’m pissed off.

Whoa, Sasha Cohen! There she is, on my TV. Suddenly I’m placid and shit.