Someone is trying to murder my ass

By DeJuan C3PO
Embedded Journalist

Someone is trying to kill me. How am I supposed to survive in the Grand Turismo? Y'all didn't have enough cash flow to send my homies to look out for this brother, so I'm flying solo and I'm probably going to die. Fuck!

There's like this giant-ass conspiracy determined to get all Americans to drop out or disappear, which is why some South American nation called Norway is leading in the medal count here at the Olympics.

First, it was Michelle Kwan backing out of figure skating. Yo, figure skating is the least dope thing the Games has in the first place, and how am I supposed to watch when I can't refer to the top American as "That Kwan, Kw-kw-kw-kw-kwan" in an homage to my main man Sisqo? Dude, ain't nothing that rhymes nice with "Cohen." Screw that, I ain't going to watch the figure skating, unless that fine Surya Bonaly from French makes an appearance and does some more of those backflip thingies. That's tight.

Then, the worst damn thing of all happened when Apollo Creed went down in the Fast Figure Skating and didn't even qualify for the finals in the 1,500 meters. If you're gonna show up with that nasty-ass facial thing you've got going on, the very damn least you could do is stay on your feet and make the last heat of your event. HOW-EV-AH, I should point out that my homeboy Shani Davis (holla at your boy, Chicago!) is still around for the final event, which is probably the best thing that's ever happened since God created curling.

Dog, seriously, I'm just playing. That curling shit is like watching Gilmore Girls.

What the hell? You got me all distracted. Back to my damn orignial point...I am going to PERISH! Cuz look, at first you see Kwan and Apollo and think, damn. But then you see all the other Americans getting nixed by whoever's leading this here conspiracy and you think, damn and shit.

Samantha Retrosi, she's in the loogy, had this hella rediculous crash that has her all banged up. Lindsey Kildow, who is like the best alpine skiier the U.S. of A has or something, had to be airlifted out after she crashed in practice. Bode Miller and Darren Rahlves didn't even take FOURTH in their first event (seriously, Bode, if they ain't servin the brew at the hospitality tent, then come on over to the chateau de DeJuan, broham. Me and the hashpipe crew be hangin, sippin, and showin off the bling they got with their 1-2 finishes in men's and women's. My boy Shaun will bring the jams...bring your buddy Darren if you want.)

Outside of the two golds and two silvers in the hashpipe, ain't nothing going right. Which gets me thinkin, what if there really is a conspiracy? It's afoot and shit. I mean, first they hit up the athletes from America, and pretty soon they come looking for DeJuan. Not my cup of gin, y'all...I'm seriously thinking about busting out of the Grand Turismo and heading back to the City of Angels. Man, my life is in danger.

Say a prayer for DeJuan.