I am in a damn hurry

By DeJuan C3PO
Embedded Journalist

Not lots of time today bitches, so this is gonna be short and sweet. Had myself one hayyyyllll of a day, anchored by some brews purchased for yours truly by new gold medalist Seth Wescott. We got tight at Shaun's party a few days back. Or was that yesterday? Dog, it gets cloudy in the Turismo.

Anyway, Seth was in the snowboard cross which is CRAZY FREAKING AWESOME. Four dudes, four boards, downhill, lots of crashes, lots of ass-kicking, all fun and games until a fired up DeJuan tries to barrell-roll down the hill and gets through two verses of "Itsy Bitsy Spider" before realizing he may be in some deep shit, after all. But damn, what a ride. And some medical expenses, which I'm hoping Marv covers in the Flotsam benefits package. Yo, dude, I'm coming home if I don't get medical.

Also checked out the Skeletor today, including this German lady named Diana Sartor, who is like two months pregnant. Now in a hypothetical, if I was pregnant, I would not want to be chilling at 90 mph riding on my grandma's wood sled, on my stomach, down an icy waterslide. Shit, that fetus is gonna be pissy. And probably a daredevil, because her boyfriend (premarital sexual relations warning!) is a competitor in the doubles loogy.

Dog, don't tell me you're not thinking of a stellar opportunity here. Some backdoor doubles-loogy loving at speeds of 80-plus? That's pretty hot, holmes.

Took a trip with some of the hashpipers to see the SHROUD OF JESUS, which is right here in the Turismo. That's the blankie the big JC was buried in before he decided to rally and ascend into heaven. That was cool, like a deep religious experience and what not. Then, even better, is we went to see a location where they filmed part of the Italian Job. Awww yeah, Marky Mark is my boy.

Finally, dog, it's getting cold here. My hand warmers stopped working, my dreads are constantly icy, and you know what Dusty Baker says about a brother in the cold. Well, I guess nothing, but I was sort of extrapolating his fascinating theories about brothers in the sun. I'm just miserable, and I'm sick of hearing about that Yefgeny Plinko or whatever, who was named after the Price is Right game in Russia, because figure skating is a BORE. I need a new career, man. Or a woman. Peace.