Goodbye from the Grand Turismo

By DeJuan C3PO
Embedded Journalist

My homies, I am writing as I wait for a plane back to the City of Angels, a little earlier than I had hoped after being ejected from the Closing Ceremonies in the Grand Turismo. Man, I am glad to leave that cold caucasian Siberia behind, my bitches, but I wanted a little fun before I went.

Perhaps you read about that cool customer who strolled onto the closing ceremonies stage? The Italian po-po's were saying the dude was Spanish. Dog, do I look Spanish to you?

Anyway, I missed most of the closing show, but I saw highlights from the TV in the airport. I couldn't turn up the sound since Enrico, the dude from customs, won't really let me leave the chair. Hater. Anyway, the Olympic Games are over, and what have we learned? DeJuan learned a lot.

We have learned that even though they look like CDs, a gold medal will not play properly in a standard CD player. I think you have to have the Italian player version or something. Whatever, all god's children have iPods now anyway.

We have learned that the mary jane should TOTALLY be legal in the U.S., since it was like a pre-requisite to be stoned if you wanted to win a medal. My boys in the hashpipe and the snowboard cross brought home the bling, indeed.

We have learned that the best remedy to remove the stench of bad blood (Shani and Chad, I'm talking to you, even though I know you're sitting poolside together in Maui, having spent some of the millions you just earned in Olympic-publicity-generated endorsement shit to reward yourselves ... good show homies) is a good can of Fabris.

We have learned that Italians love cross country skiing. And the Italian ladies also love getting down with a brother without much coaxing. I may miss the Turismo after all.

We have learned that Sasha Cohen is thin. We have learned that Bode Miller needs more brew before he races. We have learned that Lindsey Jacobelis needs less brew before she races.

We have learned that curling is truly the new American passtime. For ages 95 and up.

We have learned that if DeJuan breaks into the practice facility and takes a couple shots on Rick DiPietro, even he can score on the U.S. Hockey team. We have learned that the security broham's name is Gaston, and he has a motherfucking mullet.

We have learned that doing barrel rolls down the snowboard cross hill can lead to some serious dizziness and shit.

We suspect that Bob Costas, which is like the next phase in robotic development, will wait another four years before beginning his cyborgian takeover.

We have learned that Apollo Creed only sucked twice in three tries. And damn, we have learned that the South Koreans have spent a whole lot of these last four years hating his ass. I bet they watched those Rocky movies like 100 times.

We have learned that the Shroud of Jesus and the setting for the Italian Job are two equally fly reasons to love the Turismo.

Even with all the crashes this year, we have learned that a NASCAR crash is way hotter than a figure skating crash. And we have learned that both sports are always on televisions in hell.

Dog, we have learned that Enrico needs to cool the fuck out and stop looking at me funny. If you have something to say, then spit it. Naw, you can't even speak American. Oh dude, sorry, my bad, you can, but step off about my momma.

There are many things I will miss. The look in a cross country skier's eyes when he finishes dead last, like two hours after everyone else has gone home, and then has to be rushed to the hospital. The way Sasha Cohen uncomfortably says "perhaps" when asked if her path will ever cross with my boy Shaun White's, cuz my boy has made it clear that he likes the little thinbalena. The way security screams "DeJuan again!" when I'm hanging from the ski lift cables. The way Bode Miller chokes. The way everything sort of gets all hazy when I'm partying with the hashpipers. But most of all, I will miss you, my damn loyal readers. Hopefully, after I get out of jail back in the states, I will holla at you again, wearing my fine ass American flag jumpsuit.

DeJuan C3P0 loves your ass. Peace.