Five things that I'm feeling right now

By Curtis Woodward
Fabulous

1. Well oh my rainbow goodness! Gerry McNamara is just a little firecracker, isn't he? He sort of has that tough Irish guy thing going on, much like those militant Irish brothers in Boondock Saints (I turned that movie off after the cat was shot, because that is NOT funny!) who use their scruffiness to their advantage. But I have just been tickled pinker to watch Gerry put the Orange on his back the past three days. You wanna put me on your back, Gerry? Hmm? Would you like that? Give Curtis a piggyback ride. Yeah, that's right. You dirty little Irish boy. Come on now. Let's go, spunky.

2. Staying on the East Coast, why hasn't anyone told me that Wally Sczerbiak was traded to Boston? Everyone knows what this means, right? It means that Thomas Brady and Wally Sczerbiak live in the same city!!! I can't even breathe right now, just thinking about it. Between those two and that hunk of a Red Sox general manager, Theodore Epstein, I am most certainly paying attention to Boston sports. I could even learn a Boston accent, and pick up their lingo. You want thum chowda? Leth go to the hah-buh. Boston hahhh-buh. Hahhhhh-buh. I sound so funny right now! Oh, if the Red Sox ever trade for Huston Street, I am SO moving to Boston! I hope Thomas is reading and saves a place for me. By the way, when you flipped the coin at the Super Game last month and were wearing a velvet suit and everyone was booing you, I was NOT booing you! I was the one jumping up and down on my couch cushions in my pajamas, clapping my hands together and shrieking "THOMAS! THOMAS! THOMAS! THOMAS! THOMAS! THOMAS! THOMAS! THOMAS! THOMAS!" I hope you heard me and appreciated it.

3. Alert! The World Baseball Classic is consuming all of my attention. But I don't know who to root for! I've gone back and forth, but there are so many choices. All of the Canadian players have that nice, shaggy-haired look and seem like they are very friendly. I've noticed that players on the Asian teams provide the best views from the rear, if you know what I mean (I'll take some Mongolian beef, please!). And then all of the Latino men ... mmmmm. They are so smooth on the field, and I bet they are just as smooth when they aren't playing with the balls. And I can't discount the good, old-fashioned American boys. They're so wholesome and familiar. I guess I'll just have to keep watching all the games faithfully to make my best decision -- with my fungo bat and pine tar nearby, of course.

4. I had a dream about J.J. Redick the other night, and I did not enjoy it, because he's an uncourteous little jerk. Let's just say that if an official calls him for a reach around foul in the future, we know that it's impossible.

5. I'm glad that the NFL labor situation was resolved peacefully. The owners were being greedy meanies, and they needed to give in to the players like they did. Now all of the players can get on with their lives and sign with new teams. There are some big names moving around, like Edgerrin James, Daunte Culpepper and Shaun Alexander. Alexander, with his adorable gap-tooth smile, is going back and forth about whether he wants to leave Seattle. Shaun, the shoe shopping there is hideous. I'd advise you to leave. But just know that whatever decision you make, just stand by it, because people will love you and support you. I remember that big day when I had to tell my parents about my ... "orientation." I was very nervous about what they would think, but they were OK with it, loved me still, and were right behind me when I went into first grade that year. So be bold. And don't be afraid to come to me for a little wisdom. And by wisdom, I mean ...

Editor's note: This segment was edited out because it's the most incredibly filthy thing my eyes have ever seen. We'd all be arrested if it were published, and you probably would be too, simply for reading it. And then the terrorists would win. You can thank me later.

That's all the time we have today, folks! It'a peanut butter and fudge night here, so it's time to settle in and let my thighs have it! Toodles.