I've got your bomb right here

By DeJuan C3PO
Fly Scribe

DeJuan is back and black, my bitches, and better than ever for the NC 2-A slamma jamma Festival of Illegal Gambling. Dog, there ain't nothing better than these here two days, when you can just skip work, close the drapes, turn the lights down low, take off your clothes and just enjoy the hoopfest all damn day.

So check it, the big news comes (the operative word) to us from San Diego, when someone planted a "suspicious package" at a "hot dog" stand at "Cox" arena. Does it take DeJuan to so easily solve this case ... looks like it was some fourth grader just playing one big fatty phallic prank. Dog, I laughed out loud when I heard the news. Furthermore, the police are all worried and such because some HOUND sniffed something out at the hot dog stand?

Y'all been giving the hounds of America too much credit. The dog just wanted a snack. Shit, I have a hard time not diving in and sniffing around when I see a hot dog stand ... I don't think no schnauzer is going to be able to resist. They cleared out "Cox" arena just because some pooch hadn't been fed in a while.

Awwwwww hellll yes, Tennessee! Big late shot to beat Wimbledon. I have Tennessee winning it all, can't resist that sexy orange suitcoat worn by the sweaty genius, Bruce Pearl.

Very good to see some upsets on the day. Montana beat Nevada in a battle of boring states, which means my man Nick Freak-a-zeke-us is going home early. Wisconsin-Milwaukee found all seven brothers in the entire state to play some ball and beat up Oklahoma. Texas A&M found some kryptonite for that angry midget white dude from Syracuse. And Alabama, which somehow has an elephant for a mascot (what is that shit? They're the damn Crimson Tide and they've got Dumbo on their gear), overcame their graphical weaknesses to defeat Marquette.

Pacific, which hasn't been the same since Michael Olowokandi tried to play in the NBA, took Boston College to two overtimes before fading like Vanilla Ice's complexion at a rally in Harlem. Bastards ruined my upset special. I was yipping and cheering and hooting for a team I ain't ever heard of before just so it could keep my bracket intact. Hell, I had to look up the name of that Swedish bro hitting threes a few times. It was some guy named Christian. Too bad Jesus was on the side of Goliath this time around. Dog, that was a really big journalistic leap, go ahead and be pissed about it.

I cannot wait for day two of this shizzle, cuz it only gets better from here. Don't forget to kick back two brews per game tomorrow and celebrate St. Patrick's Day in style. By belligerently calling an old flame and alternating pleas for forgiveness with squeals of buzzer-basket-joy. Peace out.