Give me Shelton

By DeJuan C3PO
Fly Scribe

Dog, someone electrocuted Chris Shelton.

I mean, just look at that trainwreck of a face. He looks like he hasn't been in the sun since he popped out of his mama, and his eyes are all googly and such. Dude is getting a jolt of lightning straight up his ass. And if that wasn't proof, how about the nine homers he's hit in the first two weeks of baseball?

But who is Chris Shelton? I, DeJuan C3P0, master journalist of the people, did an in-depth profile of the greatest sensation to sweep the Major Leagues since entrance music for closers.

(Yo, and what of that? My boy Mariano Rivera getting all huffy cuz Billy Wagner also wants to use "Enter Sandman" when he walks onto the field? Dog, EVERYBODY enters to Metallica or some damn rock band. Be original, homies. Shit, if I was closing down a game, you better believe I'd be entering to "Straight Outta Compton" or "Stop Being Greedy" by my MAIN DOG DMX. Shit, ain't nobody that wants to mess with DMX. He'll just kill your ass if you hit his two-seamer. Then he'll kill all your friends, your agent and your goldfish. You better believe he'll lead the league in WHIP and K's.)

Anyway, Chris Shelton was born in Utah and never left the state until he was drafted in the 33rd round of the Major League Baseball draft in 2001. He lived in Salt Lake City and went to the University of Utah, where he got down with his four wives and spent lots of time being white with his colleagues, like Andrew Bogut.

Let me tell you, I've seen the Pirates. If they think there are 32 people better than you in the draft, dog, you need to take up something else, like lawyering or missionary or something. Pittsburgh has Victor Santos in the rotation, dog. DMX would crush that dude just by looking at him and saying "Stop! Drop! Shut 'em down open up shop!"

Oh-oh. No-oh.

But still, this white boy was special. After the Detroit Tigers selected Shelton in the Rule 5 draft (which is some complicated shit ... I give him credit for just surviving), he hit 18 homers or something in 2005. In 2006, after smoking the same magic gange that Brady Anderson lit up a few years back, the little white boy that could is hitting home runs like they're going out of style.

Dog, let's ponder a laughable moment ... what if Chris Shelton breaks Barry Bonds' 72 homers? Dude already has nine, in 13 games. What the hell would the media talk about? Barry Bonds, records, perjury, asterisks, big heads ... shit, none of that matters if Chris Shelton and his four wives are on the cover of Sports Illustrated and in the record book (for most homers AND most wives by a Major League Baseball Player). I giggle and raise my glass.

Yo, that's good vodka. Oh-oh. No-oh.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this damn in-depth look at the unstoppable Greek God force that is Chris Shelton. We are moving into a new era, my bitches. Between Thome and Shelton and David Eckstein, we are back to the time when wholesome white boys dominated the sport, and also one lawn gnome.