Irrelevant sports roundup

By Elliott Brock
Give me a real assignment and I'll actually try

HOCKEY: The Carolina Hurricanes and the St. Louis Blues have agreed upon a multiplayer, multi-draft picks trade that centers on Doug Weight going to the Hurricanes in the most disinteresting stories to ever grace the top of ESPN.com’s link bar.

Heading to the Hurricanes are Weight and 27-year-old Finnish forward Erkki Rajamaki, who shares a name with the popular underground masturbatory mechanism, in exchange for Carolina's first-round pick in 2006, Toronto's fourth-round pick in 2006, previously acquired by the Hurricanes, Chicago's fourth-round pick in 2007, previously acquired by the Hurricanes, (pausing for air) forward Jesse Boulerice, forward Mike Zigomanis and Magnus Kahnberg, 25, an unsigned Carolina draftee from Sweden who will become an unrestricted free agent on July 1.

"I'm very excited to be going to such a great team," Weight told Sportsnet.ca, an organization which knew who Weight was due to some quick research on the Web. "I believe I now have as good a chance as any to win a Stanley Cup and there was no way I was going to pass this up."

Because nobody follows hockey, nobody knows whether or not he is lying.

HORSE RACING: Jockey Jerry Bailey headed into retirement with a sore side and a rueful smile following a second-place finish in his last race, in which he defeated the younger, less experienced munchkins down the yellow brick straightaway. Bailey's feisty ride Silver Tree was three-quarters of a length short in a bid for a come-from-behind victory Saturday – though it’s believed his subsequent career as a sire will not have such limitations – in the $500,000 Cloverleaf Farms Turf Stakes at Gulfstream Park.

"I hope more people bet to place than to win," Bailey said, and everyone looked at him like he was speaking his native Munchkin tongue.

TENNIS: Always in control on the court, Roger Federer lost control off it and cried like a little skirt while accepting his Australian Open trophy from one of the few people he's still trying to match.

The top-ranked Federer fulfilled overwhelming expectations by beating unlikely finalist Marcos Baghdatis, which is another name for this burning sensation I have on my thighs, 5-7, 7-5, 6-0, 6-2 in Sunday's final to claim his seventh Grand Slam title and third in succession.

He tearfully embraced tennis great Rod Laver, who sang such hits as "D’ya Think I’m Sexy" and "Maggie May" in the 1970s, while receiving his trophy. Laver twice swept the Grand Slams, a feat Federer will try to emulate this season -- if he finally can win a French Open and bag a couple French chicks in the process.

IN THE CLASSROOM: Almost two dozen Division I schools reported Graduation Success Rates of at least 95 percent for athletes who enrolled from 1995 to 1998, though nobody cares as long as they can hit a jump shot. All were higher than their general student populations and significantly higher than the rates reported by the federal government, according to NCAA figures released Thursday, even though nobody cares if they can throw the football 50 yards on a dime.

The average for the 318 Division I colleges, including the Army, Navy and Air Force academies, was 76 percent, though nobody cares because those schools have terrible sports programs. Other GSR averages included 69 percent for men, 86 percent for women, 82 percent for whites, 59 percent for blacks and 68 percent for Hispanics, though nobody cares if they can hit the ball a country mile.

The figures compiled by the NCAA are generally higher than those reported by the government because the GSR counts all athletes who earn a degree within six years of enrollment or, while still in good academic standing, transfer to other schools or turn professional, though nobody cares because that was all gibberish and impossible to comprehend.

Bob Huggins was on hand to announce the findings.

The Associated Press and ESPN wire services contributed to this report