Revving up for summer

Jonny Dave Floyd
Southerner

Spring has sprang and y’all know what that means: the birds are singin’, NASCAR’s in full swing, and baseball’s back.

It also means the weather’s gettin’ warmer and the air’ more humid-er and you know what that means: the sweating of my crotchal and buttal regions significantly increases which leads to uncomfortable chafing and exponentially more butt pimpling.

But that’s besides my point, really. What I’m gettin’ at is that I’m particularly excited this spring and it’s mostly because of how pumped up I am about baseball.

Ya mighta thought that I didn’t like anything but NASCAR and football, as far as sports go. You’d be wrong as gun control. Baseball’s one o’ my most favorite sports. You already know what my most favorite one is, and baseball’s third -- sandwiched between college football and the World’s Strongest Man contests. Fishin’s fifth if you’re wonderin’ how my top 5 rounds out.

But I kinda got away from baseball maybe just a little bit until this year. But somethin’ got my dander up this year. It was this little baseball documentary that I watched right before openin’ day.

It’s this little story about some little summer league in the north (I know, but it was still all right) and it followed this left-handed pitcher from the wrong side of the tracks with a great fastball, no control, some strange European accent, and, judgin’ by his facial expressions, some sort of digestion problem. Seriously, the kid was making constipated faces all through the thing. I can only presume on the ferocity of his farts, but I’m presumin’, by the looks on people’s faces while they were talkin’ with him, that he was cuttin’ some pretty righteous cheese.

If he wants to be accepted in dugouts, then he’s gonna have to stifle that funk a tad. Fartin’s funny, but it’d get old after a while.

Anyway, the movie follows the kid around as he stinks up the summer (on the field and in a 7-foot bubble around hisself) and it was awesome. It hardly feels like a documentary at all, which is good because those usually suck.

There were a lot of subplots, too. One of the more interesting ones was about a guy that likes fat girls. I didn’t see nothin’ wrong with that. I spent my formative years chasin’ fat girls. I didn’t have a choice. Every single girl at my school was pretty fat. At least the ones that would talk to me were. The dude in the documentary woulda been in heaven here because those were some champion eaters. Some of ‘em did with only half their teeth, too. That’s dedication, y’all.

Another interestin’ subplot was about a little Mexican kid that did it with an old lady. I didn’t see the big deal or think anything was wrong with it because you know how them Mexicans fudge their birth certificates. The guy was probably pushin’ 40, which kinda made it a pretty little love story, I think.

Now, I don’t wanna be one of those guys that gives away the end, so I won’t be. I’ll just say that if you wanna get your baseball love-fire re-kindled, then go watch this documentary. I never did catch the name, but I’m sure my description will suffice for any respected video store chain worker person. It had to’ve made a ton of money.

One more thing, if you still ain’t convinced you wanna see it and you’re kinda a pervert, then there was a pretty hot little number in it that chased the pitcher around and, apparently, had no sense of smell. She gets in a bikini at one point and it was danged sexy. And she looks a lot like Momma. Which adds a sense of comfortableness to the sexiness.

Anyway, that’s all I got. Don’t worry about Junior in NASCAR. His win’s comin’ any week now.

Y’all be good.