I'd rather be young than beautiful

By Harvey McGuffin
I remember when ...

I remember when beauty was in the eye of the beholder, and I was the beholder. You didn't have to have a smoking body and nice hair to win an automobile race.

But times have changed on Harvey McGuffin. Man invented awful things like the Inerweb, satellite radio, Starbucks coffee and televised poker. People like Harvey -- purists who love this great land -- were forgotten and pushed aside simply because they favored "old school" arrangements, like no women outside a 20-foot radius of the kitchen. How can that be closed minded? It's science, dammit.

Along comes Danica Patrick. Now, to be an important racecar driver, you have to look like this:

Wow that's kind of better looking than I was imagining. Still, how I long for the days of Emerson Fittipaldi.
Look at that man. That winning smile. What Emerson didn't have in good looks, he had in desire and heart and determination. You hear me, Danica? Just because you have a tremendous, angular body and happen to drive fast enough to win a race (back in my day, we called that "unladylike") doesn't mean you can win my heart away from Emerson, a two-time winner of the Indy 500 and legitimate Brazilian.

I'm so sick of these teary post-race exchange of feelings. Quit crying, you're a racecar driver! You're supposed to be tough and covered in gooey, slippery grease, talking about how some gidget worked better than expected and some crewman made a great call not to gas up until after a certain mile marker. You're not doing any of that. You're looking like this:

Jesus Mary and Joseph. That's not possible, is it? I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'll be a racecar fan no matter how pretty the faces ... I don't need to be swayed by that sexy, gorgeous hot mama and her really fast ride. ... I don't have to listen to you .... siren.

What would Emerson Fittipaldi do if he were here today? He would be outraged, of course! Outraged that the great American sport of racing overseas has been tarnished by whatever it is that's going on in the above picture. And also, in this one:I wouldn't have to ... I can't even stand to think of ... open wheel racing ... go vroom ... Forgive me, Emerson Fittipaldi.