An affair to remember

By Agatha Moonfry
Staff Writer

Perhaps the worst part about the Roger Clemens saga is the sheer volume of information. First, the American media insisted on telling us what he was doing with his ass. And now, we are forced to learn what he's been doing with his penis.

Whether or not Roger Clemens was a dirty, naughty, spank-worthy cheater probably has nothing to do with him being dirty, naughty and spank-worthy with a country music singer whose major contribution to the pop culture lexicon was a frightening ditty called "Guys Do It All the Time," in which she outlines gross behaviors often exhibited by men and laments the double standard to which women are held.

The first time I heard that song, I killed a man in fixated agony.

I won't deny flirting from time to time with the dark side -- country music, if you must call it that. During a particularly epic week in the Catskills with Richard VanLandingham, I granted his request to use Lynrd Skynrd as our soundtrack for a steamy Tuesday night. It was a moment of weakness, I suppose, as I had previously vowed only to make love to Slayer or other bands embraced by a committee of gothic gentlemen running the web site hellssoundtrack.com.

But for Roger to spend 10 years with country music makes me seriously question his candidacy for the Hall of Fame.

It also compels me to present my annual Wildly Speculative Sports Affairs, pairing A-List celebrities with A-List sports stars in lusty congress.

1. Joba Chamberlain and Paris Hilton. He is a johnny-come-lately who has been glorified by the media despite a limited base of accomplishments. She is a johnny-come-sleep-with-me who has been glorified by the media despite a limited base of accomplishments. They're like twins. Speaking of twins...


2. Tom Brady and the Olsen Twins. He is a pretty boy superstar quarterback who has already accomplished bedding the best in singular women. Time to up the ante.



3. Tony Romo and Cameron Diaz. He is a heartthrob quarterback with a list of blonds on his bucket list.




4. Ozzie Guillen and J.K. Rowling. He is the major league manager closest to sheer madness, and she is the author of a series of fantastical novels featuring wizards and various other unreal creatures. I feel the attraction should be immediate.


5. Michael Strahan and Heidi Klum. He is a goofy looking black man, and she obviously has a thing for that sort of substance. I wonder if Strahan can sing "Kiss From a Rose" with any level of harmony.



6. Pete Incaviglia and Agatha Moonfry. Come back to me Pete. I admit to my mistakes in my youth, latching on only because I thought you were going to be a superior baseball player with the Montreal Expos, then leaving you because I was stupid and petty as it turned out you were really not very good. Remember when we learned naughty French Canadian expressions together? Remember when you won the World Series in 1993 and we bathed in champagne before you swept me up in your wooly arms and carried me to your bedroom? Even if these things never happened, they nonethless fill my heart with joy.