Like, I guess she liked the Yankees

By Brenda McDonald
High School Socialite

There's like, so many better ways to make a person sorry. Running over them with your car is so 1980s, back in like, the stone age when that pony-tailed man Steven Seagal was popular.

First of all, let me just say that I am deeply saddened that this woman was allowed to roam the streets without some kind of makeover. Like, you know those really old commercials that are like, "friends don't let friends drive drunk." Well, there's also like, "friends don't let friends look like dead witches and talk about the Yankees a lot." Like, that's so unflattering on a woman. And it hurts me that her friends didn't just stand up and say, "oh my God, Ivonne, you are hideous and bad in conversation. Let's go to the spa and do something about it!"

Ew. If I knew how to delete pictures, I so totally would, because that is like a scar to humanity. That hair! Totally unkempt. Hello, Herbal Essences! I wonder if the state of New Hampshire has an Adopt-an-Ugly-Inmate program ... I can totally be of service here. It makes me kind of want to do something good and righteous. If it wasn't prom week, I would SO look into it.

Stop staring at me, bitch!

Secondly, if you really want someone to know like, how much you love your team, there are way better ways to deal with it. You can totally talk about them behind their back, get access to their facebook page and change their interests to "whoring casually," throw eggs at their cars, or pretend that you like them, when really you don't and you just want to stomp on their heart. Oh my god, I just had an epiphany -- can we go back to the facebook thing for a minute? If you can totally steal their password, you can also make their interests say "cheering for the Yankees!" or whatever team they really hate.

Driving over people has like, so many drawbacks. Paint could get smudged, it could like, affect the transition or whatever that's called, or it could cause a flat tire. Hello, I am SO not interested in changing a flat tire. In this dress? My car is way too new and shiny for homicide.

Anyway, I forgot the moral of the story, but school is almost over! Omg, I'm going to have so much fun this summer! Like, I should probably start applying to colleges and stuff.