Thanksgiving recap

Marv Blackstone
Editor-in-chief

Folks, it's been a little while. For that, I lend my apologies. I hate abandoning thousands of loyal fans, which is why it was so hard for me to break up Soundgarden like I did.

But I have a good explanation: Thanksgiving was a bitch this year. It kept me way too busy to update this site. Here's the deal.

Good Things About Thanksgiving 2007

1. I ate a lot of turkey. When you celebrate Thanksgiving every year with just yourself and your pack of dogs, there's a lot of turkey to go around. A few weeks ago, I took a roofie with my Wild Turkey and accidentally invited Curtis to come have Thanksgiving dinner with me. I forgot about it until 10 a.m. on Thanksgiving when I heard a knock on my window and saw Curtis peering through, with three pumpkin pies and six cans of whipped cream in his arms. I pretended to be dead and didn't answer the door.

2. All of my dogs survived this year. Each year since 1993, at least one of my dogs has died on the holiday, whether it's from overeating, shotgun accidents, silly string overdose, worms, being dinner, coyotes or inbreeding. I managed to avoid that this year.

3. Brett Favre was tremendous. I approve of any quarterback with a beard, and Favre tore shit up. Watching the grizzled old coot complete 20 straight passes while I rubbed cranberry sauce on my belly was a good way to spend an afternoon.

4. I got to hear my good old friend John Madden. That guy loves Thanksgiving. We hung out back in the 1970s some. I'm one of the few people on Earth who know that "turducken" was inspired by a Turkish hooker who walked like a duck. Her name was Efromiya and she was only 4-foot-8.

5. Curtis actually believed I was dead and went away after about three hours of staring through my window.

Bad Things About Thanksgiving 2007

1. Tony Romo. Stop smiling, damn it. Just stop smiling all the time. Stop patting the referees on the ass. Stop putting your arm around Terrell Owens whenever you're on the sidelines. Stop breaking Wade's hand every time you celebrate a completion. Stop having cyber sex with Peter King every Sunday night. Stop.

2. I clogged my toilet around 8:15 p.m. This is also a Thanksgiving tradition, but it's one that I don't really enjoy.

3. Apparently, tryptophan making you sleepy is all a myth. Because of that, I didn't sleep for almost 55 hours after eating my meal.

If you're keeping track, that's five good things to three bad things. Chalk up a Thanksgiving win for Marv Blackstone. Back with more soon, homeys.