NBA Kickoff Preview

By Guy Ockham
3-2 Zone Proponent

Guy Ockham is the high school boys' basketball coach at Spring Borders High School in Breck, Colo. His teams have compiled a 33-33 record during his two seasons at the school. He's a graduate of Doane College in Nebraska, where he played basketball for two years, averaging 7.3 points and 2.7 rebounds a game for the Tigers. Ockham stresses low dribbling, lateral movement and using the backboard from anywhere on the floor.

Western Conference

The Faves
San Antonio Spurs: Naturally, you have to begin with the Spurs. They're as boring as meatloaf on a Tuesday evening, but this team can sure play ball. Or, at least Duncan, Parker and Ginobili can. Think of the Spurs as the missionary position of the NBA -- efficient and timeless. But nothing to talk about over poker with your buddies.

Phoenix Suns: In contrast, this team is the reverse-cowgirl of the NBA. You'll always be up for it, even when you think you're tired and drunk. Also, they might miss Kurt Thomas' interior defense.

Utah Jazz: I always found this to be such a paradoxical name. I'm not even sure that people listen to music in Utah. I mean, I know they moved, but teams change their names all the time upon moving. This team is good, but not as good as everyone thinks they'll be. They'll regress this year unless Jerry Sloan takes my suggestion to run a 1-2-1-1 three-quarter-court zone trap. It's the only way to utilize Paul Millsap.

Dallas Mavericks: The defensive fundamentals exhibited by this team make me wet in my jorts. Everyone will harp on their early exit from the playoffs last year, but Golden State was just a bad matchup. I expect them to still have the best record in the West. Also, they'll have the hottest fans. I've never met a chick from Dallas I didn't like. Except for Kay Bailey Hutchinson.

The Shit
Sacramento Kings: Place your bets now to see if Ron Artest snaps and kills Reggie Theus or Spencer Hawes first.

Minnesota Timberwolves: Not enough talent on the front line to overcome the much-publicized departure of Mark Blount.

Eastern Conference

The Faves
Detroit Pistons: Every year, people say that this team is a year older, a step slower and will fail. Well, this team is a year older, a step slower and will fail. The solution is spacing the guards on the weak-side wing. Don't get too cramped and they could wind up in the Finals.

Boston Celtic: You know how most of America wants to punch Bill Simmons in the throat? Well, I have.

Chicago Bulls: By far the deepest team in the East. With fundamentally-sound Kirk Hinrich running the ship, they'll be solid. They run better under-the-basket inbounds plays than anyone in the NBA. That's always a critical factor in the second round of the playoffs.

The Shit
Philadelphia 76ers:My junior varsity team could put up 105 points on these guys.

If you're wondering about my title picks, I'm going to surprise you here. My choice, factoring in the hand-checking rule change of 2004, is the Milwaukee Bucks over the Denver Nuggets. In five. Charlie Villanueva for Finals MVP.

You can take that to the bank.