NCAA Breakdown

By Guy Ockham
3-2 Zone Proponent

Guy Ockham is the high school boys' basketball coach at Spring Borders High School in Breck, Colo. His teams have compiled a 33-33 record during his two seasons at the school. He's a graduate of Doane College in Nebraska, where he played basketball for two years, averaging 7.3 points and 2.7 rebounds a game for the Tigers. Ockham stresses low dribbling, lateral movement and using the backboard from anywhere on the floor.

Keep those butts low to the ground, sportswatchers, because we have a real barnburner for you tonight! Memphis vs. Kansas. Two speedy teams -- one representing one of the whitest states in America and one representing one of the blackest cities in America. That previous statement is related to nothing.

Here's the matchup, and what you need to know to digest the game.

Guards: Have you heard about a fella by the name of Derrick Rose? Maybe you have. But if not, watch out for this Memphis kid, because he's got some talent. He's got a great base, and a strong dribble that always stays low to the floor. He's a good passer, but I'd like to see him use the chest pass more. Get those thumbs in, kid!

Memphis also has Chris Douglas-Roberts, who is a lanky guard who has developed a jumper. His hyphenated name suggests gender progress. If I were his coach, I wouldn't hesitate to use him in the middle of my 3-2 zone. That's how good he is.

Kansas, by comparison, has a bunch of guards that sort of run together in your mind. Collins or Stewart or Rush or something. I haven't really done my homework on Kansas because I got sidetracked by some Saved By the Bells re-runs on TV the other day. I can't pass up the opportunity to rub one out to Kelly Kapowski. Edge: Memphis

Big men: Kansas is known for its fourteen-headed monster in the paint, led by Darrell Arthur and Russian Sasha Kahn. His name sounds like Sasha Cohen, who I hate, so I don't think Kahn will have much effect in this game.

Memphis' most famous big man is notorious dipshit, Joey Dorsey. He's a great rebounder who has all of the offensive ability of a drunk Ben Wallace. He's an inspiring story because he made it out of a tough situation in Baltimore to become the first kid in his family to graduate high school and blah blah blah doesn't anyone care that I was once run through a clothes dryer at age 9 because I didn't make 80 percent of a my free throws during a local YMCA game? No one ever talks about how I overcame. I don't give two shits about Joey Dorsey. Someone give me some fucking sympathy, all right? Edge: Kansas

Coaching: Kansas is coached by Bill Self, who, I think, wears a toupee. He has a funky-ass looking mouth. I will give him credit for being a great recruiter, but I'm not convinced about his ability to coach. KU has decent team defense, but I still think they'd benefit from implementing the Guy Ockham 3-2 "Assrape Defense." He won't return my calls, but I'm telling you, that defense is the best way to utilize Cole Aldrich.

Memphis is led by John Calipari, NBA failure. He's getting a lot of credit for putting in a dribble-drive offense that is centered on Rose and Douglas-Roberts. Why is he getting credit for this? What was he supposed to do? Institute a Hoosiers-like four passes before every shot rule? Gimme a break. Edge: Guy Ockham

Overall: I'm thinking this will be an affair of high-scoring proportions, like when my wife left me for Tim, my next-door neighbor. In the end, I think Memphis' guards will win out over the depth of Kansas. Too much talent for Memphis, and they're too hard to stop because their style is so free-flowing.

Prediction: Memphis wins, 77-62.

Now, if you'll excuse me, Zack's about to take Kelly to Prom.

NBA Kickoff Preview

By Guy Ockham
3-2 Zone Proponent

Guy Ockham is the high school boys' basketball coach at Spring Borders High School in Breck, Colo. His teams have compiled a 33-33 record during his two seasons at the school. He's a graduate of Doane College in Nebraska, where he played basketball for two years, averaging 7.3 points and 2.7 rebounds a game for the Tigers. Ockham stresses low dribbling, lateral movement and using the backboard from anywhere on the floor.

Western Conference

The Faves
San Antonio Spurs: Naturally, you have to begin with the Spurs. They're as boring as meatloaf on a Tuesday evening, but this team can sure play ball. Or, at least Duncan, Parker and Ginobili can. Think of the Spurs as the missionary position of the NBA -- efficient and timeless. But nothing to talk about over poker with your buddies.

Phoenix Suns: In contrast, this team is the reverse-cowgirl of the NBA. You'll always be up for it, even when you think you're tired and drunk. Also, they might miss Kurt Thomas' interior defense.

Utah Jazz: I always found this to be such a paradoxical name. I'm not even sure that people listen to music in Utah. I mean, I know they moved, but teams change their names all the time upon moving. This team is good, but not as good as everyone thinks they'll be. They'll regress this year unless Jerry Sloan takes my suggestion to run a 1-2-1-1 three-quarter-court zone trap. It's the only way to utilize Paul Millsap.

Dallas Mavericks: The defensive fundamentals exhibited by this team make me wet in my jorts. Everyone will harp on their early exit from the playoffs last year, but Golden State was just a bad matchup. I expect them to still have the best record in the West. Also, they'll have the hottest fans. I've never met a chick from Dallas I didn't like. Except for Kay Bailey Hutchinson.

The Shit
Sacramento Kings: Place your bets now to see if Ron Artest snaps and kills Reggie Theus or Spencer Hawes first.

Minnesota Timberwolves: Not enough talent on the front line to overcome the much-publicized departure of Mark Blount.

Eastern Conference

The Faves
Detroit Pistons: Every year, people say that this team is a year older, a step slower and will fail. Well, this team is a year older, a step slower and will fail. The solution is spacing the guards on the weak-side wing. Don't get too cramped and they could wind up in the Finals.

Boston Celtic: You know how most of America wants to punch Bill Simmons in the throat? Well, I have.

Chicago Bulls: By far the deepest team in the East. With fundamentally-sound Kirk Hinrich running the ship, they'll be solid. They run better under-the-basket inbounds plays than anyone in the NBA. That's always a critical factor in the second round of the playoffs.

The Shit
Philadelphia 76ers:My junior varsity team could put up 105 points on these guys.

If you're wondering about my title picks, I'm going to surprise you here. My choice, factoring in the hand-checking rule change of 2004, is the Milwaukee Bucks over the Denver Nuggets. In five. Charlie Villanueva for Finals MVP.

You can take that to the bank.