Philip Rivers is a meanieface

By Dakota Brezinski
Seven-year-old

I really hope Philip Rivers never, ever comes back for show and tell.

It's all stupid Cindy Devereaux's fault. I tried to kiss her hair once by the bus stop, and she tattled. Her daddy knew some important guy who worked for the San Diego Chargers, and he thought it would be good if Philip Rivers came to talk to my class. But it was very bad.

Everybody thought Philip Rivers was awesome, because he plays football and he gets on TV and he's really tall. But I didn't think he was so great. He played all-time quarterback at recess, and even though I was wide open, he never threw me the ball! I was wide open! Then, he finally threw me the ball when I wasn't looking and it hit me in the nose, and I started bleeding.

Mrs. Knapp, the fat recess lady, saw that and told Philip Rivers he couldn't play anymore. So he got really angry and took the ball with him to go sit in the woodchips. It wasn't even his ball! He was acting like the six-year-olds.

And then, when Caleb tried to get the ball back so we could keep playing, Philip Rivers got mad and threw the ball over the fence and across the street so no one could get it. I think Philip Rivers throws funny. He throws like Olivia Russell, that first-grader who doesn't have a thumb.

Haha, that picture makes him look like a stupidface. He is.

Then, at lunch, Philip Rivers stole my fruit snacks, and said, "It's a small price to pay for having an NFL quarterback come to lunch with you." I don't know what that means, but eating the fruit snacks is the best part of my day, even better than my morning pee. So I told my teacher, and she made him go back to class and sit with his head down on his desk. Philip Rivers started crying! I saw him.

After lunch, we worked on addition and instead of doing his worksheets, Philip Rivers just ate a whole thing of Elmer's Glue before Mrs. Sandoval saw him. It was gross. He had glue-breath and he kept burping and laughing a lot after he did it.

Many other bad things happened that day. Philip Rivers started shouting at the class hamster, Philip Rivers didn't want to wash his hands before snack time, and Philip Rivers went outside without asking permission. That last one is really crazy. Tanner did that once, and got detention for a week!

I do not like Philip Rivers.

Weekend predictions

Patriots 42, Chargers 7. Why is Philip Rivers so mean? Someone should teach him a lesson. Daddy says the Patriots are going to "bend Philip over." I think that means he gets a spanking.

Packers 24, Giants 16. I like snowball fights, and if I were in a snowball fight, I would want Brett Favre on my team.