No blaze of glory

By Harvey McGuffin
I remember when ...

I remember when there was a strict order to my NBA universe.

There were the good teams (Los Angeles, Chicago, Boston, Detroit) and there were the bad teams (Milwaukee, the Clippers, Golden State). And then, of course, there was one team so coked out that they didn’t even know there were categories – the Portand Trail Blazers.

Once Clyde The Glyde (may he rest in peace) left, all hell broke loose in Portland. Rasheed Wallace and Damon Stoudamire demonstrated their preference for the Mary Jane, and let me tell you, those parties they threw were the only good thing Oregon had going. Ruben Patterson got with some woman who wasn’t in compliance. Bonzi Wells told Sports Illustrated how little the fans mattered. Zach Randolph and his Pillsbury convention of a midsection tried to kill Patterson in practice.

They were the Jail Blazers. And I loved them.

They were basketball’s Oakland Raiders, a team of misfits, castoffs and crazed lunatics, reminding me of the Maynard County Penitentiary “Blue” team, for which I was a proud representative in 1969. I was the captain, and I was mean, and I was spectacular around the hoop. They called me Harvey McDunkin.

But now, everything has gone to hell. They’ve got some punk kid named Brandon Roy, pronounced “Wah” like the Montreal goalie, and he has made those assholes relevant again. How can you be the league’s rogue if you win all the time, and look good doing it? That’s not part of the plan. This is Portland! Oregon, not Maine.

It was all stacking up so nicely. Their offseason acquisitions included the phenoms James Jones and Steve Blake, the latter of whom is white, short, and somehow not playing middle infield for some minor league baseball team. Their No. 1 pick, Greg Oden, the only player in the NBA older than I am, was lost for the year. The gloom and doom of Jail-Blazing was completely on schedule.

But then, Wah. And some guy whose name means “The Marcus” in French. And nobodies like Channing Frye and Martell Webster and – oh my god, did you see this? Joel Przybilla is still in the League. Where are my pot-smokers, drug dealers and arsonists? Where are you taking this league, David Stern?

Wait, who the hell is Chris Paul?