DeJuan Does Media

DeJuan C3PO
Fly Scribe

My mama, the fine Miss Octavia Winston C3P0, once saw me crying in the living room when I was six years old and she asked me what was wrong. I said, "Mama, brother DeCharles has a better bike than I got."

It was true! Shit, do I look like someone who can ride a Huffy around the block and still keep my street cred?

Mama didn't like that I was coveting my neighbor's shit (never understood that, DeCharles slept in the same damn house as me. He wasn't my neighbor), and she got all mad. She spanked me across the backside and said not to be so wanting, to be happy with what you got and all that.

Damn, mama, why'd you ask then, if you were gonna beat my ass?

Dog, this is what it's like on Media Day at the Super Bowl. There are a lot of crazy-ass people here who ask the stupidest questions, then get all crazy about the answers. It's like they're trying to be like my mama, or win the award for television's dumbest journalist.

Too bad they can't win, cuz some foxy lady dressed up as a bride and started asking folks to marry her. Wish I would have had a microphone, cuz brother, I would have said yes. DeJuan's biological clock is ticking!

Anyway, back to my mama. Some cat asked Plaxico Burress for a prediction, and he gave it to them. Nice guy, that Plaxico Burress. Named after a Plexiglas corporation and shit. So he answers the question, and then the media is all a-tizzy, cuz Plaxico is GUARANTEEING A VICTORY.

Bitches, there are no guarantees in life. Except that the Patriots are going to win. My boy Plax was just answering a question. What's a brother supposed to do? Say, "Shit, I think the Patriots are going to win?" Or, "Dog, I would love to answer that question, but let me refer you to my public relations counsel."

God damn.

The man thinks his team is gonna win. That's confidence, bitches. You think I could have gone on a world tour if I wasn't confident that I could pick up Chinese in just two audio cassettes? Or would I have run three-fourths of a leg in the Olympic 200-meter-relay in 2000 if I wasn't confident I could outrun the fatty security guard? Just cuz a man has confidence doesn't mean he's trying to wrong the other guy. It ain't fair that they ask the question, then get all crazy because he answered the question.

Shit, at least they asked a real question. It wasn't like "What is your purpose in life?" or nothing like that. I have been kicked out of no fewer than 29 sporting events for asking those questions. But at Media Day dogs, that's just what you do.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go ask Eli Manning how long he's been a Southern quarterback.