Brain-to-mouth syndrome

By The Brain
Running the Show

I am the human brain.

There are lots of things I think about all day long. Lots of things because, my god, can you imagine how much thinking a person does in one day? Well, I sure can. I do all of that thinking. There's lots to think about -- what to do, what to say, what to wear, how to smile, what to laugh at, who to proposition, etc. That is how I roll, I'm the brain, that's the way it goes.

Every now and then I think something that's probably not appropriate. I'm sorry, it's not my fault, it's just the first thing that comes to mind. I'm not really censored or shit like that. Whoops, didn't mean to swear; good thing I didn't send that message to the mouth. The mouth and I work very closely together, we're good friends and, sometimes, I send messages too quickly.

When I send those messages too fast, that's when I get in (ooh, is that chicken marsala I smell? Oh my god I'm so hungry, really want chicken marsala) trouble. Sometimes I use naughty words that mean bad things and whoops I was just talking and dirty Jew! Oh dear. I can't believe I thought that, good thing I didn't say it out loud. I was watching South Park last night and sometimes that happens. Cocksucker. Whoa. I didn't say that, but after my third episode of The Sopranos, sometimes it slips. I'm sorry I'm the brain. Blame television.

Chicken. marsala. With mashed potatoes.

Do you know Kelly Tilghman? She's kind of hot, very hot, golf analyst and used a naughty word because her brain and mouth communicated too quickly and whoops that happens. It's more common than you think. It's just the way the brain works and it happens and you know what? It's super duper stupid to keep talking about it forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and thinking about it. It's over. All done now. It's not her fault she thinks so many things. You're allowed to think things. Do you know how many things run through everyone's mind? All the time? We're lucky that the mouth is so good at stopping most things or we'd all be in prison or dead.

I'd like a nice glass of wine with my chicken marsala. For the antioxidants. And the alcohol that makes me feel so good and warm.

Anyway, these thoughts might be pretty much harmless, and the only reason people don't think it's harmless is if you say them. (remember that one time I accidentally said that dress made my wife look fat? that was so bad she wouldn't let me sleep in the same bed for weeks). (::quick visual flash of makeup sex::). Yes. Where were we?

So if brain and mouth communicate too quickly, it's not my fault. It's not an ideal system we have here, but it's all we have. People move on. Can't make a big deal about it, move on, live your lives, eat your food. Eat your chicken marsala.