Bitches, there will be blood

DeJuan C3PO
Fly Scribe

Those damn writers and their greedy guard dogs are plotting in some treacherous lair right now, wondering how they're going to ruin one of the year's best damn nights -- the Academy Awards. Bitches, the Oscars! Dog, nothing is finer than watching Hollywood's hotties decked out in their sexiest evening wear, with glitz and glamor and all that shit. Those four hours on the couch with Billy Crystal and several small golden bald dudes fly by like my boy Shani Davis on ice skates.

Those bitchy writers have their scissors to cut up the red carpet, their picket signs to block out the lovely and slightly bipolar Melissa Rivers as she interviews celebrities, and probably a plan to kidnap Billy Crystal. I swear to God, if that shit goes down, I'm gonna go all Karate Kid on some union members. Dog, Karate Kid should have won Best Picture. Mr. Miyagi!

I have a confession to make -- I haven't heard of any of these damn movies nominated this year. Usually I know the nominees front and back, having scanned plot synopses and cast lists, so I can figure out which fine lady extras might be looking for a mysterious stranger posing as a representative from a talent firm at the post-Oscars gala. But shit, I been busy this year, and I haven't seen a film since Ratatouille (four fucking stars!).

But I recognize, my loyal bitches, that you expect some comments about the year's best films from DeJuan C3P0, and so I will give you what I got.

"Atonement." This documentary, narrated by that dude from NFL films (cue the slo-mo cameras!), follows the life and times of a slightly retarded-looking white boy from Mississippi, who moves to the Big Apple and gets hated all over the place before throwing a bunch of touchdown passes at the end of the season and leading his team to the Super Bowl. James McAvoy is fucking spectacular as Eli Manning. Jon Voight stars as Archie, and there's this bad ass scene where Eli goes, "I, don't want, your life!" And then, my bitches, there is the whipped cream bikini. I give it three out of four DeJuans.

"Juno." This is a profile of that Olympic sport that's kind of like karate, except different or something. You know how I feel about the Olympics, ever since they kicked me out of the Grand Turismo a couple winters ago. Bitches. One out of four DeJuans. Mr. Miyagi!

"Michael Clayton." This is a hell of a riches-to-rags story, about going from the first round of the NFL Draft and a great rookie season to NFL oblivion. Dog, every year I expect this fool to bounce back, and I take him in the late rounds of my fantasy draft, and every year he disappoints my ass. I'm sick of it! Also, I am not okay with George Clooney as the title character. Dog, did the casting directors of America go on strike, too? Two DeJuans.

"No Country For Old Men." So, this title is like all ironic and shit, since it's talking about Major League Baseball. It's this bad-ass insider's look at Roger Clemens and other old dudes who took steroids to stay in the game. Everyone's all like, "Roger is so old, but still so good," and then you see it's because he's getting his ass peppered with puncture wounds. Dog, baseball is for young people, and this movie proves it. Plus, Javier Bardem comes in and kills a bunch of dudes. Very powerful. Three-and-a-half DeJuans. I promise, you get my sexy half.

"There Will Be Blood." It is about damn time someone made a movie about the American Gladiators. Shit, did you see that episode where that crazy contestant lady hit her face on the Eliminator? Blood everywhere! Dog, that shit is as real as it gets, and you can throw in a bunch of scary sisters and brothers, plus the unbearably awesome Hellga, and it's like the perfect storm of cinematography. Thank god the movie has Daniel Day-Lewis instead of Hulk Hogan. Shit, you know I love the Hulk, but the man can't act. FIVE out of four DeJuans!