Behold the Heisman Trophy

Marv Blackstone
Editor-in-chief

Ahh, the Heisman Trophy.

It's my favorite of all sports awards, boasting such illustrious winners as Jason White, Eric Crouch, Chris Weinke, Ron Dayne, Rashaan Salaam and Gino Torretta.

And tomorrow night, four young men -- three of whom are white -- will find out if they will be able to take their place in history, joining other elite names like Ty Detmer, Andre Ware and Danny Wuerffel.

Let's take a look at this year's candidates:

Chase Daniel, QB, Missouri: Chase doesn't want to pluralize his name, which makes me think he'd be better suited to swap his names and go by Daniel Chase. He's a junior and he plays football in the god-awful state of Missouri. He's short for a quarterback. However, the most-commonly repeated statement about Daniel is, "It doesn't matter if he's short, you don't need to be tall to play quarterback well!"

Yes you fucking do. Of the top 14 quarterbacks in the NFL, by QB rating, only Jeff Garcia is shorter than 6-foot-2. Daniel Chase is listed at 6-foot, but that's generous.

He's a very good college player who won't be good in the NFL. So, this makes him a logical choice for this award.

Tim Tebow, QB, Florida: Tim Tebow makes me rock hard under my orange hunting pants. Trust me. I mean, you'd definitely notice if the material weren't so thick and coarse. It's raging though. Trust me.

Tebow could become the first sophomore to ever win a Heisman. This year he tossed 29 touchdowns against only six interceptions. That's Tom Brady-like. Also, just for the hell of it, he ran for 838 yards and 22 touchdowns. The man accounted for 51 touchdowns! He has to deal with Urban Meyer on a daily basis! His name sounds like T-Bone! Give him the god damn award already.

Colt Brennan, QB, Hawaii: Fuck Colt Brennan. And fuck his coach, June Jones, who was apparently named after Johnny Cash's wife, June Carter. June said that Tim Tebow is just a system quarterback.

This, of course, is in response to the criticism lobbed against Brennan, the soon-to-be 25 year old who was able to throw 50 times every game against opponents like Northern Colorado, UNLV, Idaho, the Tacoma School for Cystic Fibrosis and San Jose State. He threw seventy-five passes against San Jose State. Danny Wuerffel could rack up huge number with that many attempts, and I think he's dead.

In that article, June says that Brennan runs a pro-style offense and Tebow couldn't do that. June would know; he was the coach of the Atlanta Falcons in 1996, when they went 3-13 with Jeff George running Jones' "pro-style" offense that ranked 19th in the NFL in points scored and led to a league-leading 30 interceptions.

Fun stat:

Colt Brennan passing yards per attempt: 8.84
Tim Tebow passing yards per attempt: 9.88

Fuck Colt Brennan and his grinning and his backwards cap. He's like Tony Romo, only shitty.

Darren McFadden, RB, Arkansas: Darren McFadden is a monster. He runs hard. Really hard. One time, an undersized safety from Kentucky tried to tackle him high around the pads. He's dead now.

He has a quick burst that gets him through the line and his speed takes over from there. If you get in his way, he'll either ram his helmet through your sternum, or if he's feeling fancy, he'll sell a juke and slip right past you.

Then he takes it to the house and bangs your mother under the goalpost.

He's awesome, and will be the best NFL player out of this group of candidates.

I expect him to finish third in the voting.